Via Memorius - Lacrima Amare (4/5)
by Ashantai
Summary: Post-SAR; Zack has made some mistakes since regaining his memories, and mistakes have consequences.
1. Chapter 3

For title, disclaimer, etc., see Chapter 1 

Please check out my website- http://devoted.to/x5 

  
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 3 

Krit pushed the front door of the small one-bedroom house open, kicking his shoes off and balancing two bags of groceries. 

"Hello!" he called, heading into the kitchen and putting the bags down on the counter. He started putting things away and shouted, "Jondy?" There was no answer; a chill ran up his spine suddenly and he hurried out of the kitchen and toward the staircase, the groceries forgotten. 

"Jondy!" he called again, grabbing the banister and mounting the stairs. He froze at the top as he stepped down onto something wet and sticky. He lifted his foot and looked down and his sock; the white cotton was stained red on the heel. "Jondy!" he yelled once more, throwing the door of the bathroom open. It was empty but there was a few drops of blood on the white countertop. He hurried to her bedroom and his breath caught in his throat as he saw her, laying on the queen-sized bed with her back to him. He nearly collapsed as he reached out and grabbed her shoulder, turning her toward him. Her eyes snapped open and he jumped slightly. 

"Krit?" she asked when he sank to his knees beside the bed and dropped his head into his hands, taking deep breaths. She slipped off the bed and knelt in front of him, reaching out. "Krit?" 

"Jondy..." He looked at her, at her hand on his, where a bandage was wrapped around her thumb and wrist, slightly stained with blood. "God, Jondy." He took a deep, wavering breath. "Oh, God." She followed his gaze with confusion and then realized what he was thinking. 

"No," she said, squeezed his hand. Her eyes were shining with tears and there was a smile on her face. "No, Krit." She wiped a tear from her face and hugged him. "I was cutting vegetables. The knife slipped. It was stupid, I wasn't paying attention. I hit a vein, so it bled a lot. I came upstairs to clean up. I was tired afterward, so I took a nap. I'm sorry." He let out a stressful laugh and ran his hands through his hair, staring at her with a devastated grin on his face. Jondy was fascinated; she hadn't thought there was such a thing as a devastated grin. But before she could think about that for too long, he threw his arms around her and breathed a deep sigh of relief into her hair. She clutched him tightly, felt happy tears stinging her eyes as she realized how much he loved her. She felt so safe in his embrace, until he let go of her and stood, pulling her up with him and sitting them on the bed, looking at her with a serious expression on his face. She frowned, glanced away. 

"Jondy, look at me," he said firmly; she looked, touched his face. 

"Your eyes are so dark." She'd been doing that a lot lately, saying whatever came into her mind no matter how inappropriate. At first it had started simply as fun for her, but later it became about trying to get Krit to react. His reactions made her smile sometimes, and she desperately wanted to smile because it happened so seldom now. 

"You're worrying me," he told her, ignoring her comment, disappointing her. "You're sleeping all the time, I hear you crying the nights you are awake, and you won't listen to what I'm saying." 

"I listen," she muttered. "You said look at me and I did. Stop getting mad." 

"I'm not mad," he snapped, then exhaled heavily. He met her pained eyes. "I'm sorry. Look, this is just... you're just acting so... weird." 

"Weird," she repeated flatly. "Weak," she inferred. "I'm a bad soldier." Her voice dripped with sarcasm. 

"What?" Krit looked both surprised and annoyed; his reaction pleased her. "No, dammit, you're putting words in my mouth." He took a breath. "Jondy, I told you that Zane is alive, why aren't you-" Her face suddenly twisted into a grimace of pain and she wrestled away from him. 

"Stop it," she hissed, trying to get off the bed. "You're not helping." 

"I'm telling you the truth, why won't you listen?" he snapped, grabbing her and pulling her back up by her shoulders. He wanted to shake some sense into her but he managed to restrain himself. She was staring at him with wide blue eyes gathering tears. She glanced away and mumbled something. 

"What?" he asked, frustrated. He tightened his grip on her shoulders when she tried to pull away again; a tear slipped down her cheek. 

"But I believed him." Her voice was a whisper; Krit paused. 

"You believed him," he repeated, not understanding. 

"I believed him." She was crying now. "He's dead, Zack said so, and I believed him." 

"Zack's a liar." The words hung in the air, cold and sad and so un-Krit-like. Dangerous, too, if Zack had been there. Jondy was too upset to be delighted a the uncharacteristic reaction that normally would have fascinated her. 

"But I would know if he were alive," she insisted painfully. She fell out of Krit's loosened hands and sank down on to the bed, tears staining her cheeks though she didn't notice. He slowly reached out and touched her hair. 

"You're in love with him?" 

"I don't know," she whispered. "Maybe. It doesn't matter anymore." 

"Jondy!" he leaned down, forced her to look at him. "He's alive, I told you that." 

"But I believed Zack! Don't you see? If he was alive I should know! You're lying, you're just trying to make me feel better, but it's not helping! Don't lie!" She started sobbing. "Don't lie to me!" 

"Jondy, it's okay..." He stroked her cheek but she lunged away from him, off the bed and to the window, hugging her arms around her thin shoulders. "Syl's supposed to call," he told her gently. "Zane's in California where she's living, so she's going to find him. We're supposed to meet them later." Silence. 

"Zack wouldn't let-" 

"Screw Zack," Krit cut her off. Jondy laughed, loud and wild and with the tears slipping down her face as she did it. He gazed at her sadly. 

"I'm scared," he admitted. 

"Don't worry, baby brother." She was trying to get a rise out of him again, he could tell. It seemed to be her defence mechanism, making him angry or frustrated, pushing him away by trying to shock him. 

"I'm older than you," he told her calmly, fighting his annoyed reaction. 

"Tinga's dead." The comment was out of nowhere and painful but he was used to that by now. 

"I know." 

"Do you think she was in pain?" Her eyes were getting that wild glint in them that always worried him. 

"Don't," he said firmly. The glint fell away slightly. 

"I love you," she told him, almost sad. 

"Jondy? Did you hear what I said about Syl?" 

"Don't be angry, Krit." He could hear the gentleness of the child she used to be in her voice, and that gave him hope. 

"I'm not angry." 

"You never are." She sounded frustrated; she threw up her hands in annoyance and paced. 

"Jondy," he said, softly. "Jondy, I love you, too." 

"I know." She started sobbing again. He stared at her for a long moment. 

"Don't cry," he said finally, gently. She suddenly became very calm though the tears were still flowing steadily. 

"I'm not, I'm smiling," she answered. He gazed at her as she cried, stifled a sigh. 

"You are?" he asked finally. She resisted the urge to wipe the dampness from her cheeks and instead wrapped her arms around herself, shrugged. 

"Sometimes."


	2. Chapter 2

For title, disclaimer, etc., see Chapter 1 

Please check out my website- http://devoted.to/x5 

  
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 2 

Her eyes slowly opened though she hadn't remembered falling asleep. She jumped slightly as she caught sight of her brother, sitting watching her in the arm chair beside her bed. She blinked. 

"Jondy," he said. 

"Krit," she acknowledged; the sound came out as sort of a rasp because she hadn't spoken for so many days. She licked her dry lips and brought a hand up, running it through her newly-cut hair. She laughed suddenly as she felt the length but the sound was wild and hollow. Krit's eyes were fixed on her raised wrist, on the still-healing slice across the pearly white skin, his face filled with shock and sadness and worry and love. She lowered her arm. 

"How long have I been asleep?" she asked. 

"At least an hour," he told her, standing up. "That's when I got here." 

"Why are you here?" she asked, watching him warily as he approached her and took a seat beside her on the bed. 

"I was worried." 

"Zack," she tried not to spit his name. "He told you to check on me." 

"No." Krit reached out, touched her short hair, forced a smile. "I like it." 

"Liar." 

"Yeah." He dropped his hand. "Hungry?" 

"No." 

"I'll get us something." He reached for the phone on her bedside table. "Chinese? Pizza?" 

"I'm not hungry." 

"I like hawaiian, what about you?" 

"Ham is gross. So is pineapple." 

"Pepperoni, then," he said, dialling. She glanced away from him, out the window, listened to him order politely. Birds were chirping outside; spring was coming. A moment later she felt his weight on the bed; he was lying next to her. She rolled over to face him and watched him as he stared up at the ceiling for several moments. 

"What are you doing?" she finally asked. 

"Worrying," he said. That was obvious, written all over his face; she touched his cheek with a hand that was now always cold. 

"I'm fine." 

"No," he said, meeting her dull blue eyes. His were as dark and pensive as always. She tried to smile at him but couldn't make her lips turn upwards. She dropped her palm from his face to his shoulder and he cringed, reaching up and gingerly moving her hand. 

"What?" 

"Nothing," he said. "I got in a scrape; I'm healing." 

"With Zack?" 

"And Syl. Max." 

"How are they?" 

"Good. Worried about you." 

"And Zack?" she asked, hating herself for wanting to know. "Where is he?" 

"I don't know," Krit admitted. 

"Not worried," Jondy concluded from his tone. He looked at her, touched her cold face. 

"Always worried," he countered, his dark eyes boring deep into hers, full of truth and love. This time she almost managed to smile at him. 

He convinced her to get dressed and wash her hair; by the time she was done the pizza had arrived. She stared at the haircut she'd given herself in the mirror and groaned. 

"It's almost as short as when I was little," she complained, sinking into a chair across from Krit at the kitchen table and tugging absently at one of her blonde locks. 

"Not quite that bad," he said, setting a plate of pizza down in front of her. She picked up a piece, suddenly famished, and took a bite of cheese and crust and delicious sauce. Krit, satisfied, began to eat his own food. He was done much sooner than she was and she pushed away her helping of pizza without finishing even half. 

"My stomach hurts," she said by way of explanation. 

"When was the last time you ate?" he asked her. There was a pause before she shrugged. He frowned. "That long, huh?" 

"When are you staying till?" she asked. 

"I don't have to be anywhere." 

"Won't Syl be missing you?" 

"She understands. It's not as if I've ditched her for just anyone." Jondy glanced up at him; he was smiling. "Anyway," he continued, "We're not so much like that anymore. So, I'm here until you get sick of me." She managed to turn her lips up slightly. 

"Thanks," she said, and meant it. 

  
On the third day he handed her a glass of water and told her, "Zane's alive." There was a long pause. 

"I tried to kill myself last week," she said, watching him, taking a sip of the drink and hugging her legs. He sat on the sofa next to her, nodded, wondered if she'd even heard him. 

"I know." The stars were shining outside. He didn't push it. 

"I couldn't do it." She stared down at her wrists; the cuts were completely healed now. There was no evidence it had ever happened and for some reason that made her sad. Krit was gazing at her. 

"Yeah." He looked so afraid. Jondy glanced down at herself and was pleased to see that she wasn't quite so pale, and her hands weren't shaking as much they had been before. Her skin was almost warm. She looked at Krit and didn't have to force her smile. 

  
Two days later she glanced up from the book she was half-reading and asked him, "Why did you say that about Zane?" So she had heard him. He shut off the television, looked at her. 

"Because it's true." He could tell that she didn't believe him. He was scared though he didn't show it; what was wrong with her? This wasn't the Jondy he remembered. 

After a momentary pause, she asked, "Can we eat out tonight?" 

"Wherever you want to go," he told her softly. 

"Krit?" 

"Yes?" 

"I'm glad you're here." 

"Me too."


	3. Chapter 4

For title, disclaimer, etc., see Chapter 1 

Please check out my website- http://devoted.to/x5 

  
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 4 

The phone rang. Jondy lifted it off its cradle, put it to her ear as she shifted her weight from one foot to another. Krit watched her from the sofa, muting the television. 

"Hello?" she asked. "Syl?" His brows raised in surprise at this; she hadn't mentioned what he'd said about Syl calling once before this, and he'd been beginning to think that she hadn't heard him. However, he was learning that this Jondy was impossible to predict. A moment later her eyes suddenly darkened and he slowly rose to his feet. 

"Who is-" he began, but before he could finish she had slammed the phone down and stalked from the room. "Not Syl?" he asked, following her. She shrugged, rifled through the fridge, then slammed the door shut and hoisted herself up onto the counter, grinning at him. She was wearing pajamas; he hadn't seen her clothed in three days and he didn't think that was a very good sign. The phone rang again and Jondy's blue eyes narrowed in anger. 

"Why don't you let me get that?" he asked her, quickly, heading for the phone before she could stop him. He picked it up. 

"Hel-" he began but before he could finish the greeting, in one fluid motion Jondy jumped off the counter, grabbed the phone from his hand, slammed it down, and grinned at him wildly. 

"Let's go on a trip," she said. 

"Jondy." He tried to settle her down with a calm voice. She just stared at him. He sighed. 

"A trip," he repeated. 

"Yeah, a road trip. I've never been on one. Come on, it'll be fun." She grabbed his hand. 

"Wait, we have to pay the rent, Jondy, and Syl's supposed to call..." He trailed off, looked at her; her face looked absolutely crushed. "Jondy-" 

"No, it's fine," she cut him off, letting go of him roughly and crossing her arms over her chest. 

"Jondy-" He touched her arm but she jerked away. 

"No," she growled. "If you don't want to spend time with me then don't. I'm not going to beg." 

_"Jondy-"_

"No!" she yelled, then turned away. "Get the hell off me." 

"Goddammit, Jondy!" he exclaimed suddenly; she grinned at him. Krit ran a hand through his hair, calmed himself. This is what she wanted, he reminded himself; she wanted him to yell. He wasn't going to give in to that. He took a breath and opened his mouth to say something, but the phone rang again. This time he beat her to it, grabbing it off the cradle and moving out of her reach. Her eyes darkened dangerously as he did so. 

"Hello?" he asked, turning away from her glare. 

"Krit?" The voice was rough with anger and full of shocked surprise. 

"Oh..." He winced. "Zack..." There was a short exhale on the end of the line. 

"Hi," Zack said heavily. "How are you?" 

"Fine," he answered, surprised at his calmness. 

"Hang it up," Jondy ground out. "I don't want to hear his voice." 

"How is she?" he asked. Krit watched Jondy glare at him and frowned. 

"She's... different." 

"Different?" Zack asked as Jondy stalked out of Krit's line of vision. He ran a hand through his hair again. 

"Yeah," he said in a lowered voice. "Zack, you have no idea what you've done here." 

"Hang it up, Krit," Jondy's voice came. He ignored her. 

"What do you mean?" Zack asked slowly, hesitantly. 

"She's-" 

"Krit, _hang it up."_

"Just a second," he said to Zack, putting a hand over the receiver. He turned to her angrily and opened his mouth to tell her to stop annoying him. 

Jondy was standing across the room, a knife in her hand. He saw the wild glint in her eyes that he had grown to dread over the past couple of weeks. Her short hair was sticking up everywhere. 

"Hang it up, Krit," Jondy repeated. She held the knife calmly against her wrist. 

"Or what? You'll kill yourself?" He was angry now. 

"What's going on?" Zack's voice was slightly concerned. 

"That's right," Jondy answered Krit flatly. "I don't want to hear his voice. I don't want to hear him unless he's standing here in front of me so I can-" She raised to knife, clutched the handle, stabbing it downward. Her eyes shone with tears but he had a feeling she didn't know she was crying. 

"Krit, what the hell is going on?" Zack's voice was now slightly panicked. 

"I'll have to call you back," he said quickly. Without waiting for an answer, he slammed the phone down. "Jondy, I have had about enough of this. Now listen to-" She grinned at his raised voice, then brought the knife down, sliding it across her arm. Bright red blood seeped out of the cut and slid down toward her elbow. 

"Jondy!" Panicked, he tried to grab the knife, but she danced out of his grasp and brought it down again. Her blood splattered onto the white floor; she wasn't smiling anymore. Krit ran at her, surprising her by tackling her to the ground, grabbing her hands and holding her wrists together, knocking the knife from her grasp in the process. He stared down at her wide blue eyes. "Snap out of it, dammit!" he yelled. 

"Get the hell off me!" she yelled back, and suddenly spit at him through the two inches separating their faces. He stared down at her, shocked, as the saliva ran down his cheek; then suddenly his fist was raising against her. He started to bring it down hard on her cheek, but in the instant before he struck her he saw her close her eyes, and an almost peaceful, glad expression came over her features. Krit frowned at this and his hand slapped down on the cold linoleum floor instead. Jondy's eyes flew open, filled with disappointment. The glint was gone. 

That's what she had wanted all along: not just to get a rise out of him, not just to make him yell, but she had wanted him to really hurt her- physically. Why? 

"Jondy," he breathed as she stared up at him, tears forming in her wide blue eyes. "Jondy." He raised himself off her and sat back against the kitchen counter, dropping his head into his hands. She slowly rose as well, and fell back across from him, hugging her knees to her chin. They sat there for several seconds, but finally he couldn't stand it anymore and reached out, touching her shoulder. She twisted away from him. 

"Stop being nice to me!" she yelled. "Stop it!" He sighed, dropped his hand. There was another long silence. 

"What do you want for dinner?" he asked finally, softly. 

"Nothing," she bit out. 

"Nothing," he repeated flatly. Her face softened; she got a far-off look in her eyes. 

"Yeah." The glint was slowly coming back; the tears he could see had stopped. "I'm going to stop eating for a few days." He stifled a sigh. 

"Okay... Why?" 

"I don't know. I thought it would be a change. I can test these _perfect_ bodies of ours." Her voice dripped with sarcasm. 

"That reminds me, have you taken your tryptophan today?" he asked. There was a pause. 

"You did that on purpose," she answered flatly. 

"What?" 

"Nothing. Order us some Chinese food." 

"We're out of money." 

"Then let's make a chocolate cake." She grinned. "We can eat it with our hands." 

"Jondy, I'm going to have to get a job." He eyed the knife lying a few feet away, the blood still seeping from the cut on her arm. "Will you be okay if I leave you alone all day?" 

"I can work, too." Soft. "Once Syl calls. Once..." She cleared her throat. "You'll be able to leave then." He leaned over suddenly, put his hands firmly on her shoulders, forcing her to look at him. 

"Is it me?" he asked softly, painfully. "Is it my fault you're not getting better, Jondy? I'm trying to help, but I know I'm not good at this. I know-" She laid a hand on his arm, stopping him. 

"Yes," she said solemnly. "Yes, it's you." Then she laughed, loud and wild and unnerving as usual. 

"Jondy-" he began, but she rolled her eyes at him and put a finger against his lips. 

"You worry too much, baby brother." He almost reminded her once again that he was older than she was, but then just sighed instead. He watched her turn away and frowned at how she was examining the cut she'd made on her arm, with deep fascination and that glint again. 

He swallowed hard. _I worry for a reason._


	4. Chapter 5

For title, disclaimer, etc., see Chapter 1 

  
Please check out my X5 website- http://devoted.to/x5 

  
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 5 

"Krit... Krit..." His eyes snapped open and he jerked up, momentarily disoriented. He had to put a hand out to stop himself from falling off the sofa. Jondy was kneeling on the floor beside him, smiling. He blinked in surprise as he took in her appearance. The smile was not wild or forced or fake- it was small, genuine, soft. When he looked at her he saw _Jondy,_ the Jondy he remembered, the Jondy he hadn't seen once since his arrival in Pennsylvania- until now. 

"Hey," he said softy, terrified that he would do something to ruin this moment. 

"Hey," she answered, low, sincere. No double meaning, no crazy giggle, no glint in her eyes. He reached out and touched her cheek. 

"Jondy," he breathed. She smiled again. 

"Yeah," she whispered. Krit returned her soft smile, reached down and pulled her up from the floor to the sofa, folding her into his arms. She sighed deeply and relaxed into his embrace. 

"I'm so glad you came," she said after several minutes of comfortable silence. 

"So am I." 

"I don't know what I would have done if-" He put a finger gently on her lips. 

"That doesn't matter," he said firmly. She pulled back slightly and smiled another sincere smile, touched his hair, gazing up at him with soft blue eyes. There was a light in them, but not the glint. There was no sign it had ever existed. 

"Krit," she said softly. "I missed you." 

"I missed you, too," he said pointedly; she got the deeper meaning of his words and nodded. 

"I know." 

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked hesitantly, dreading that this was all just a dream or that in the morning she would revert to her unbalanced state again. She frowned. 

"I don't know," she admitted. "I hope so." He reached over and took her hand, squeezed it. 

"It's going to be okay," he said, feeling the truth of his conviction though he could tell she wasn't so sure. She nodded slowly as he yawned. Jondy glanced at the clock. 

"It's late. I'm sorry I woke you up." 

"Are you kidding? I can sleep anytime and I never would have wanted to miss this." 

"What?" 

"You," he said, eliciting a smile. But it faded after a moment and suddenly her eyes misted over; Krit braced himself. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered tearfully. 

"It's okay," he told her softly, meaning it. She gazed up at him. 

"You don't even know what I'm talking about." Her voice was bitter. He touched her arm, not wanting to lose this new Jondy. She was so fragile. 

"Then tell me," he said gently. She gazed at him for a long time, then glanced away. He stifled a sigh, thinking she would get that defensive glint in her eyes again any second, but after a moment her soft voice came. 

"Do you know why I woke up?" she asked. He frowned as he considered that; it was odd for her to be awake at this time. Lately she had been sleeping right through the night, something she had never done as a child and that worried him greatly. 

"No," he said. She whispered something even he couldn't hear and he leaned closer. "What?" 

"I woke up," she whispered. "Because I felt it. I've never... felt it before. Not like that." Krit froze, stared at her, feeling dread deep in his stomach. He took her shoulders gently, met her eyes. 

"Jondy," he said, calmer than he felt. "Are you pregnant?" A few tears spilled down her cheeks and his eyes fluttered closed momentarily in shock before he pulled her into a tight hug. "How far along are you?" he asked disbelievingly. 

"Three months, give or take," she told him softly. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" he whispered, stroking her inch-long hair. She cried into his chest, clutching at him. 

"I didn't want it to be real," she cried. "I didn't want it to be real even before. I didn't know how he'd- I thought..." 

"Oh, Jondy, it would have been okay." Krit knew Zane; it would have been aboslutely fine. God, he would have been _happy_ if she'd told him. He _would be_ happy, not _would have been_ happy, Krit reminded himself. He was beginning to think like Jondy, that Zane was dead. He shook the thought away as she continued to speak, sniffling, into his chest. 

"And then... when Zack... and I thought... I just didn't know what to do. I _still_ don't know what to do." 

"That doesn't matter right now," Krit said firmly, taking charge because he knew she couldn't. "I just can't believe you've been pregnant this whole time." 

"And now that you've told me that he's... I was just starting to think that maybe I could do this... but now... And Zack lied to me." Her face twisted in anger and pain. "He lied to me about _this!_ My big brother... I trusted him. He's supposed to take care of me, not lie to me! Now I can't trust anyone." 

"You can trust me," Krit said immediately. 

"I'm so scared. I still don't know how he'll react..." For some reason she couldn't bring herself to say Zane's name. She brushed her tears away, angry at herself. "Selfish," she spat. 

"No." He helped stroke her tears away. "No, not selfish. Listen, any baby that you and Za-" 

"Don't," she cut him off. "I don't... I can't..." He touched her cheek. 

"We have to get you healthy," he told her again. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered, tears spilling down her cheeks. "Do you think I've hurt the baby?" 

"I'm sure it's fine," he assured her, hoping that he was right. "But you're not. You need to eat." She smiled at him; no glint. He smiled back. 

"Eat," she repeated, her voice half pain and half wryness. "That's all you can say?" 

"Yes," he said firmly. "You're going to eat everything I give you." His joking tone was lost on her as her smile faded. 

"I've messed everything up, haven't I?" 

"No." He touched her face. "It's going to be okay. And I'm taking you to a doctor. First thing tomorrow." She smiled at him. 

"Okay." They sat in silence for several moments, her head resting against his shoulder. She felt more content than she had in months. 

"Jondy... What _do_ you want to do about it?" he finally asked softly; she tensed, tried to imagine having an abortion and found that just the thought ripped her up inside. 

"Not that," she said firmly. Krit looked relieved. "I wouldn't be any better than _him,_ murdering Jack because he wasn't perfect, and Eva because she didn't do what he wanted." She touched her stomach lightly. "No, it's not this baby's fault I'm a screw-up." 

"You're not a screw-up." He believed it, she saw it written all over her face. She felt so incredibly safe with him, so incredibly loved. 

"Right," she said weakly, tears threatening again, making her angry. She was so tired of crying. He stroked her hair gently. She leaned deeper into him on the sofa and lowered her head to his chest, pulling his discarded blanket around them both. She closed her eyes, exhausted. 

"I'm staying here tonight," she informed him sleepily. Krit tensed momentarily, opened his mouth to protest, but then looked down at her peaceful face and sighed. He gingerly put an arm around her shoulder, getting comfortable. 

"Everything's going to be okay now," he whispered to her; Jondy let out a soft sigh and managed to blink back her tears as she snuggled closer to him. Just before she drifted off she heard him say to her, low, gentle, "I can feel it." 

  
Krit awoke to the sound of Jondy cursing loudly. He got up slowly, dreading what he would see. She was standing by the window, her fists clenched, staring outside. She didn't look crazy, just angry; he frowned and walked over beside her. 

"What?" he asked, surprising her. She turned away from the window; he saw tears in her eyes. Krit warily parted the white curtains and saw a truck parked in front of the little house. He watched as the passenger got out, a young woman with black hair cascading down her back and calculating but almost cheerful eyes. He suddenly grinned as he recognized Brin. 

"What's wrong with-" he started to ask Jondy, but then froze as Zack exited from the passenger side of the truck. They were heading up the walk. "You don't have to talk to him," he said. "I can handle this." She crossed her arms over her chest. 

"Don't worry, if I go out there it'll only be to _kill_ him," she ground out, stomping further back into the house. He watched her receding form tensely, knowing that everything they had worked through last night could go to hell if Zack got near her. He pulled the front door open and bounded down the steps, forcing himself to smile at Brin and pulling her into a hug. To his delight, she hugged him back readily. She'd come a long way. 

"Jondy's inside," he said to her. Zack smiled at Krit and started to follow Brin toward the house, but Krit held up a hand to stop him; Zack halted but looked confused. Their sister entered the house and closed the door behind her. 

"You shouldn't have come here," Krit said calmly, lowering his hand. Zack narrowed his eyes at him. 

"What was I supposed to do? You said you'd call and you never did. You didn't answer the phone. I was worried." 

"I'm touched," Krit said coldly. 

"What's wrong with you?" 

"Leave," he said evenly, his voice like ice. 

"Dammit, Krit, what are you talking about?" Zack asked angrily, then started to move past him without waiting for an answer. Krit whirled and grabbed Zack's shoulder, hauling him backward. He caught his big brother so off-guard that Zack actually went tumbling to the ground, but he rolled and was back on his feet in one fluid motion. 

"What the hell was that?!" he yelled. Krit clenched his fists. 

"You shouldn't have come here," he repeated, significantly less calm. He was furious. 

"Where's Jondy?" Zack was calm. 

"You think you can just play with our lives?" he snapped. 

"I'm not playing, Krit!" Zack's eyes were shooting daggers at him. "Now where the hell is Jondy?" Krit stood there. "Answer me!" 

"I'm not letting you see her," he said. 

_"What?"_ Zack asked disbelievingly, then when Krit said nothing again he tried to push past him once more. His brother shoved him back as before, but this time Zack expected it and didn't go down. 

"Go away, Zack," Krit said coldly, staring him down. "Go away right now." 

"Get out of my way, Krit." 

"No." His voice was low and dangerous. "I'm not letting you hurt her again." They glared at each other, tension crackling between them. 

"It was the best choice for them," Zack said, quiet and just as dangerous. "You had no right to interfere." 

"Dammit!" Krit turned and kicked the two-by-four banister of the front steps, splintering the wood into a thousand pieces. Zack did not look startled; he was used to this. Krit was always either ultra-gentle or ultra-tough, nothing in between. 

"She's tried to kill herself." Krit's voice was like ice. "Several times." Zack blinked. 

"No." His voice was small. 

"Yes," he pushed. "I had to pry the knife from her hand once. You have no idea what you've done here, Zack." There was a long, painful silence before Zack finally spoke. 

"I thought it was best." Krit was momentarily taken aback by his soft, scared, vulnerable tone. This was Zack, his big brother, the CO? He'd changed so much over the past year. 

"Zack," he said, shaking his head and gazing at him sadly, softening slightly. "I'm sorry, but I can't let you see her. We're making progress... she'll get too upset and I'm afraid she might-" He stopped, dropping his voice to a near-whisper. "She's pregnant." Zack's eyes darkened. 

"Is that what you call looking after her?" he snapped. Krit's fist connected so hard and so fast with his face that Zack had no time to even hope to react. Still, he quickly recovered his balance and stood his ground, blood trickling from his nose. Krit stared him down, his fists still clenched in anger. They both stood there dangerously for several moments before Zack slowly relaxed his posture and wiped the blood from his face; he put his hands in his pockets as a tentative peace offering, knowing that his question had been out of line. He backed down; Krit had proven himself to be serious and it went against everything Zack believed in to fight his brother. 

"Tell Brin to come out when she wants to go," he said quietly. 

"I will," Krit said, equally quiet; Zack's softness was sad, but Krit's was dangerous. Zack nodded and went to wait in the truck. Satisfied, Krit turned away and went back into the house.


	5. Chapter 6

For title, disclaimer, etc., see Chapter 1 

  
Please check out my X5 website- http://devoted.to/x5 

  
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 6 

"Put that back," Krit said as Jondy dropped a tub of chocolate mocha ice cream into their shopping cart. She fixed him with an odd look and put her hands on her hips. He glanced at her; now that he knew what to look for he could see the delicate swell of her stomach, but it was still only very slight. 

"Why?" she asked him. "Look, it's like 160% fat. You said I needed to gain weight." 

"High-fat foods aggravate morning sickness, which you're might have as long as three weeks into your second trimester," he informed her. 

"I haven't had any yet," she told him, fixing him with a very odd look. 

"Oh, that's good. I guess X5 pregnancies are different that way." Jondy stared at him curiously. 

"By the way," she asked. "How the hell did you know that? You aren't hiding any nieces or nephews from me, are you?" He smiled conspiratorially. 

"No," he said. "Now put it back. You only need 300 more calories than you should normally eat when you're pregnant." 

"Seriously," she said. "How do you know all this?" Krit's olive skin darkened slightly as she blushed; he reached into his jacket and pulled out a book, passing it to her. She looked down at it. 

_"Pregnancy Week by Week: Eighteenth Edition,"_ she read aloud, and raised her eyebrows at him. He shrugged. She flipped through the book and saw that much of the first few chapters had already been studied and some places were even marked on. She looked at him; he was standing there sheepishly, not looking at her. 

"You are _so_ into this!" she cried, grinning; he met her eyes in surprise. 

"No I'm not..." 

"Yes you are!" She pointed at him, giggling genuinely for the first time in weeks. "Oh, Krit, you're absolutely adorable." A slow smile spread over his face and he took a step toward her. He turned the pages of the book in her hands. 

"Well, look," he said, pointing to a picture of the baby in the mother's womb at ten weeks. "Look how cute." She gazed at the little blob of life and smiled. 

"Yeah," she said softly. "It is kind of cute." They were passing the children's clothing department of the small everything-and-more store, and Jondy suddenly stopped as she caught sight of a tiny powder yellow sleeper. It was roughly the width of Krit's hand and the length of half his forearm. 

"Could anything actually _fit_ into this?" Jondy marvelled, touching the soft material with an expression on her face that Krit could only describe as maternal. 

"Get it," he said. She hung it back up, shook her head. He took it off the hanger again and handed it to her. 

"It's okay, I'll buy it." 

"With what?" she asked. "You said we hardly have enough money for food." 

"I have some." 

"Not your savings..." She bit her lip. 

"It's okay," he said. "This is my niece or nephew, right? The kid's got to be dressed, so let me buy the first present." Jondy gazed down at the tiny sleeper. She smiled. 

"Okay." 

"By the way," Krit asked as they browsed the rest of the shelves. "What do you want, a boy or a girl?" 

"I'll be happy for just a normal child," Jondy said. She looked at Krit. "But it won't be a normal baby, will it? It'll be an X5." Krit hesitated. 

"I think so," he said. She glanced away. 

"Great." 

"It'll be okay." His voice was gentle. "You won't be alone. And Zane-" She turned away. 

"No," she said. "I'm... I'm not ready for that yet, okay?" 

"Okay," he said softly. "One more makes no difference. We all look out for each other, right?" 

"Like Tinga looked out for her son..." Jondy trailed off, looked at him. "I know he was the reason she died." They both knew instinctively to wait a few moments out of respect for their sister's memory before Krit spoke again. 

"She loved him." 

"Yes," she said softly, gazing down at the sleeper and caressing the downy-soft material in her hands. "She loved him." Krit touched her shoulder. 

"Come on," he said, gentle. "Your doctor's appointment is soon. We don't want to be late." 

I hate doctors," Jondy complained as they headed to the cashier. She shivered slightly, remembering being experimented on as a child. 

"Me too," Krit said, knowing exactly what she was thinking about. She smiled weakly at him as he took his wallet out to pay for their groceries. 

  
"I'd say you're about thirteen weeks," the doctor told her half an hour later as she laid on the uncomfortable examination table that reminded her painfully of Manticore. Luckily the testing was out of the way now. 

"That's what I figured," she told the woman, her voice slightly nervous. 

"Do you want to hear the baby's heartbeat?" she asked gently, sensing her discomfort. 

"Can I?" Jondy asked, wide-eyed. The doctor smiled. 

"Well, you're more than far enough along. If you'll just wait a few moments I can do it right now." 

"Would you do me a favour and get my brother first?" she asked. "He's in the waiting room. Krit." The doctor smiled, nodded, and left. A moment later she returned and Krit stuck his head into the room hesitantly, staring at the floor. Jondy rolled her eyes at him. 

"I'm decent," she said. He looked at her, smiled and fully entered the room, straddling a chair next to her. 

"What's up?" he asked; the doctor pushed Jondy's shirt up slightly and covered her stomach with transparent goo. Krit made a face. "What are you doing?" 

"We're going to hear the baby's heartbeat," Jondy explained; he brightened. 

"Really?" The doctor smiled and pushed the ultrasonic device over Jondy's stomach, searching. They waited for a few moments and then a strange fluttering sound filled the room, which gradually turned into two successive chugging sounds, one after another, as the doctor centralized on the heart. 

"That's my baby," Jondy breathed; Krit took her hand and listened. 

"It's loud," he remarked. The doctor smiled. 

"That's a good sign," she said; Jondy beamed and reached up, giving Krit a tight hug, her eyes blurred with happy tears. He smiled down at her, marvelling at the tiny life growing within her. 

  
"Look at all this stuff," Jondy remarked as they headed to the car, sorting through a stack of pamphlets and informational booklets the doctor had given her. She remembered Krit's book and smiled. "I guess we have a library now," she said wryly. Krit rolled his eyes at her good-naturedly as they climbed into the car. When they arrived home Jondy groaned about helping put away the groceries but did it anyway, and after they were finished she grabbed a pamphlet and Krit picked up the phone. The odd dial tone told him there was a message waiting for him on the voicemail he'd set up. 

"Jondy," he said. "Someone called." She stood up slowly, swallowed, and wrung her hands together. 

"So listen to it," she told him after a long silence. He nodded, dialled the voicemail box and punched in his code to hear the message. 

"Hey," Syl's voice came; Krit nodded at Jondy and she swallowed hard again. "I guess you guys aren't home, but I just wanted to let you know that I finally tracked Zane down. This guy can be elusive when he's sad. Anyway, we're on the road and we've covered a ridiculous amount of ground in just a few days... I guess that happens when _someone-"_ Krit got the feeling that Zane was in the room with her. "-drives about a thousand kilometres over the speed limit." She laughed softly. "I've made him stop for the night because he fell asleep at the wheel and nearly killed me; he's conked out now, of course. 'I want to talk to them,' he said. 'I'll stay awake,' he said. Yeah, right." She laughed again. "Anyway, we're in Indianapolis, but we're going to leave early tomorrow morning. We should be at your place before noon. Well, as soon as you give me the address, anway. It is Pittsburgh, right? Anyway, you know my cell number, so call me back. Love you guys." Krit hung up the phone and turned to Jondy, dreading her reaction. 

"They'll be here tomorrow morning," he said. She stared at him, sat down hard on the sofa, nodded weakly. He took a seat beside her and tentatively touched her shoulder. "Are you okay?" She looked at him. 

"You'll be here?" she asked softly; he nodded. He suddenly remembered the first day she'd learned to drive a car, how proud she'd been. Her half-inch of blonde hair had caught the sun filtering through the trees of Manticore's forest. She'd grinned and said, _You'll watch me, won't you Krit?_

"Of course," he told her gently, echoing his childhood response. 

"I'm being stupid," she said. "I know." 

"No," he told her; he pulled her into a tight, safe hug and felt her immediately relax. "And I'll be here," he whispered into her short, soft hair. "For as long as you need me."


	6. Chapter 7

For title, disclaimer, etc., see Chapter 1 

Please check out my X5 website- http://devoted.to/x5 

  
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 7 

"Rise and shine, little brother, time to move out," Syl called cheerfully at five am the next morning. Zane groaned and pulled the covers over his head. 

"Give me five minutes," he said, his words vague with sleep and muffled by the blankets. Syl smirked at him and walked over to the bed, hauling them off and onto the floor. Zane shot up, his eyes wide with indignation and annoyance. 

"It's five in the morning," he complained as he staggered out of bed toward the washroom. "No living person should have to see the world at this hour." 

"I'm surprised you can even sleep," she remarked through the open door as he splashed water on his face. She collapsed backward onto her bed and stared at the ceiling. "Aren't you excited?" He glanced over at her, hesitated. 

"Of course. It's just... a lot." 

"Yeah." She sat up slowly. "Zane?" 

"What?" 

"Are you mad at Zack?" 

"Of course," he answered immediately, his voice matter-of-fact. "Aren't you?" Syl nodded, laid back down on the bed. 

"Yes," she said as he switched the washroom light off and joined her in the main part of the small hotel room. He laid beside her on her twin bed, staring up at the ceiling as she was. Their legs hung over the end, their breath coming slow and in unison. He smiled. 

"I'm glad you found me." 

"So am I." 

"And not just because of Jondy." He turned to her as she did the same; their eyes met and he smiled again. "I haven't seen you in a while, Syl. It's nice." 

"Yeah," she said. "It is." They turned back to staring at the ceiling. They sat in silence for several moments. 

"I still love him, though," Zane said suddenly. 

"Oh, of course." 

"I just wish he wasn't so..." 

"Protective?" 

"Interfering." 

"He doesn't understand," she said. 

"No," he agreed. 

"It's too bad." 

"Yes," he answered. Syl glanced sideways at the clock. 

"We should get moving. Zane turned his head into her shoulder and groaned. 

"I'm so _tired,"_ he complained; Syl giggled and touched his soft red hair. 

"If we leave right now we can pick up fast food for breakfast," she said, wrinkling her nose at the thought even as she promised it. Zane lifted his head, grinned at her with sparkling dark eyes. 

"Really?" 

"Sure, why not." She smiled. "So the car will stink. So we'll get sick. Who cares?" 

"It's a stolen car after all," he said as they both stood and gathered their things. "And we get sick so seldom it might be fun." They shared another comfortable smile and Syl rolled her eyes. 

"Ugh, I think I'm going to regret this already," she said as they headed out to the SUV she'd picked up in Missouri. 

"Can't go back on your word now," he said, smiling at her cheerfully. 

"I know." 

"What about Krit?" he asked as they slid into the car, buckling their seatbelts. Syl started the engine and paused. 

"What about him?" 

"Are you two still a thing?" 

"We weren't for a long time," she said. "But the mission I was telling you about, when he almost-" She broke off, shrugged. "Anyway, I'm not sure. Maybe it's coming back. Maybe I'll just always care about him like that a little bit." 

"Why did it end?" Zane asked. She pulled the car out and headed for the interstate. 

"I don't know," she admitted. "A lot of reasons, I guess. I'm not even sure quite why it started, or when." She smiled. "To do with my heat, though, that's for sure." She heard Zane's soft laugh next to her and continued, "But it ended well, if that's what you're wondering." He shrugged and Syl glanced at him. "What about you and Jondy? You're an item, right?" 

"Maybe," he said. "I don't know. We sort of were, before Zack came. We never said anything, though." He let out a long sigh. "It's going to be different now. I've been given a second chance here. I'm not going to waste it." Syl laughed slightly in spite of herself. 

"A second chance from who?" 

"I don't know," he said. "Someone." She glanced over at him as a thought suddenly hit her. 

"You know Ben is dead, Zane, don't you?" 

"Of course," he answered after a moment. "Anyway, that's not what I meant. I don't believe in her anymore." He hesitated. 

"Maybe we never did," she agreed, reading his thought. He smiled as she pulled into a fast food drive-through, glad to be able to change the subject. "What should we get?" 

"When Krit called me back last night he said he had to talk to us before we saw Jondy," Syl told Zane once she had her bagel and cream cheese and he his greasy french fries and hashbrown. 

"About what?" he asked worriedly as she put the car in gear and pulled away from the drive-through window, one hand on the steering wheel and eating with the other. She frowned. 

"I don't know, but he sounded tense. He said he didn't want to talk about it over the phone but that he had to tell us some things before we saw her." 

"God," Zane said, his appetite suddenly gone. "That sounds awful. I hope she's all right." 

"I'm sure she's fine," Syl said gently. "Eat. We won't be there for a few hours, so there's no point in worrying right now." 

"Yeah." Zane nodded, put a couple of fries in his mouth. "Yeah." They hung in his mouth, not tasting like anything. He couldn't swallow them. Syl's hand was soft, comforting against his cheek. 

"It's going to be fine." 

"Okay," he said. "Sure. Right." He did not sound convinced; she gazed at him sadly. 

"She's alive, right? That's what counts." She forced the worry out of her face and smiled. "How bad could it be?" 

  
"You're leaving me?" Jondy's voice was choked with tears. She wouldn't let him touch her. 

"No, I'm not leaving you. I have to work, we need the money." He tried to keep his voice light, soothing, gentle. She glared at him. 

"But they're coming _today."_

"I'll be back for that," he said. "Of course I will. They'll be here at noon. They just need me to cover the morning shift. It's four hours." He smiled. "I'll be home at 10:30. That's lots of time." 

"Can't you call and say you're sick?" 

"It's the first day." 

"Please, Krit," she whispered. "I want you to be here. You _promised."_ He gazed at her for a long time, then stifled a sigh, forced a smile. 

"Of course," he said. "I'll call in." He went into the kitchen and picked up their phone, dialling the one place that had given him work out of the many he'd applied to. There may have been a worker shortage in Chicago, but not here. Pennsylvania had fared much better in the Pulse than the states east of the Great Lakes. 

"Hello?" someone answered, her voice busied. 

"Hi, this is Kristopher Perez," he said. "You hired me the other day? I'm supposed to come in to come in for Jimmy this morning." 

"Oh," the woman said. "Yeah." 

"Well, I can't work today," Krit said. "There's some..." His eyes slid to Jondy. "Some family issues I have to deal with." 

"We really need someone to cover that shift," the woman said, her voice edging on annoyance. 

"It just came up," he lied. "I'm sorry, but I really can't make it." 

"All right," the woman said stiffly. "I'll call our second choice." 

"Wait," Krit said. "I still want the job." 

"We need someone now and there's another person willing to work," the woman said, angry now. "Either come in today or you've lost it." Krit glanced at Jondy; she was looking at him, the tears in her eyes already fading. He stifled a sigh. 

"Okay," he said into the telephone. "Sorry again for the trouble." 

"Whatever," the woman said irritably. "Have a nice life." 

"You too," Krit answered softly after she hung up on him. He set the phone back on its cradle. 

"What's up?" Jondy asked hesitantly. He put on a smile and turned to her. 

"It's fine," he said; she looked relieved. 

"Good," she said. "Good. Why don't I make us something to eat?" 

"Sure," Krit said. "That sounds like a good idea." 

"We're out of eggs, so I can't make pancakes," she muttered, going into the kitchen and rifling through the near-empty cupboards. Krit followed her, standing in the doorway. She turned suddenly and put her arms around him. 

"Thank you," she said. 

"It's going to be okay," he told her, rubbing a hand over her back, then up to the base of her neck. He stroked her soft blonde hair and laid his fingers against the mark that made her his sister. He touched it lightly. "Once they're here." 

"Zane loves pancakes," she said into his chest. Krit was momentarily surprised; this was the first time she'd said his name. 

"Does he?" was all he could manage. 

"Yes." She pulled back. "Too bad I can't make them." 

"It's okay. Once I go to work we can get some more food." He flattened his palm against her stomach, smiled. "Get that little baby some nourishment." 

"You act like we haven't eaten in days," she laughed, pulling away from his hand because it tickled, smiling at him. 

"No, just today," he said. She shrugged. 

"I'm not that hungry anyway." She closed the kitchen cupboards, played with one of the knobs for a second. "You lost the job, didn't you?" 

"No," he answered quickly. "No, it's okay." 

"Don't try to protect me," she said, slightly angry; there was a long silence. 

"I worry." 

"I'm sorry." 

"It's okay." He forced a smile. "That's what brothers are for, right?" 

"How should I know?" Her voice was suddenly bitter; she pushed herself away from the counter and crossed her arms over her chest. "There's Zack, always destroying my life, then you, protecting me and keeping me safe, and then Zane, who I've been _sleeping_ with." She looked at him. "Which one of those things is what brothers are for, Krit?" He sighed. 

"I don't know, Jondy. It's more complicated than that." 

"You've slept with Syl," she said. 

"Yeah." 

"Is that what sisters are for?" Her voice was laced with cruelty but he managed not to let it get to him. He'd been getting better and better at that over the last few weeks and he hadn't lost his temper with her since the day he'd almost struck her. 

"Don't," he said firmly; her features softened and she smiled. 

"Sorry." She paused. "I think I'll take a nap. It'll be a few hours until they'll be here." 

"Okay." 

"What about you?" 

"Maybe I'll tidy up." 

"You want some help?" 

"No, it's okay. Go to sleep," he said. She nodded, walked to the doorway, paused. 

"I'm sorry about the job." 

"Jobs," he said. "Who needs them?" 

"You're a good brother," she told him. "I love you." 

"Me too. Goodnight, Jondy," he answered. She smiled. 

"It's morning." 

"You know what I mean. Sleep." 

"Yeah." 

"I'll see you later," he said. "I'll be right here." 

"Yes," she said. "Okay." She left the room; Krit smiled and ran a hand through his hair, thinking a nap didn't sound like too bad of an idea. He was suddenly very exhausted, but the kitchen was a disgrace, so he grabbed a cloth and started scrubbing. 

  
At 11:30 Syl called. 

"We're in Pittsburgh now," she said. "You ready?" 

"Yeah. See you in ten." 

"Okay." 

"Jondy!" Krit called as he pulled on his jacket. "I'm going now!" She came quickly downstairs. 

"Okay," she said. "Don't be too long." 

"I won't." He looked at her. "Are you sure you'll be okay?" 

"Yes," she said, pushing him toward the door. "Don't worry. Go before I change my mind." 

"Yeah," he said. "I'll see you soon." 

"Be nice to me!" she called after him as he walked toward the car. He turned back, smiled. 

"As if there's anything mean to say," he said; she flushed slightly, beamed. It made him happy to see her smile. He climbed into the car, tossed her a wave, and pulled out of the driveway, forcing himself not to worry. 

"Syl," he greeted her after he'd parked at the coffee shop three blocks away. She smiled, jumped up from the table, hugged him. When she pulled back he took her chin and leaned down to kiss her, long and sweet and deep. 

"I missed you," he said when he'd released her. If she was surprised at his actions, she didn't show it. 

"Me too," she said with a smile. Zane rose to his feet behind her and Krit embraced him happily. 

"It's good to see you, man," he said softly. 

"Yeah, you too," Krit answered. They all sat down together, tense and apprehensive because of the reason for this meeting. 

"She's fine," Krit said immediately, and his brother and sister's shoulders relaxed slightly. "How was your drive from Indianapolis?" Zane waved his hand at him in a dismissing manner. 

"What's wrong with her?" he asked. Krit hesitated. 

"Well?" Syl asked. "What?" 

"After you- After she _thought_ you were dead, she became very depressed, Zane," he began. His two siblings swallowed and exchanged a look. 

"Okay," Zane said. "I wasn't too happy myself." 

"She was... suicidal," Krit added slowly. Syl's eyes widened in disbelief and Zane ran his hands slowly through his red hair. 

"Christ," he said. "Suicidal... you mean..." 

"How many times?" Syl's voice was tiny. "How many times did she try?" 

"I don't know," Krit admitted. "A lot. At least two that I know of." He glanced away. "I had to pry the knife out of her hand the second time. She was trying to punish me." 

"For what?" 

"Talking to Zack." 

"I _hate_ Zack," Syl spat, whacking her hand into her coffee and launching it off the table; it landed on a woman at the table next to theirs. She screamed as the hot liquid splashed against her arm, jumping to her feet. She turned to Syl. 

"What the hell was that?" she yelled. Krit saw Syl smirk and frowned as she got to her feet. 

"We don't want trouble," he spoke up. 

"I do," Syl countered evenly, staring down the woman, who was looking significantly less sure of herself when faced with Syl's smoldering dark eyes. Krit stood up. 

"Come on," he said, touching her shoulder. He felt her tense up but she didn't turn on him. He looked at the woman. "I'm really sorry," he said. "It was an accident. She's having a rough time. I'm sorry." The woman looked at Syl and decided it would be a good idea to just let it go. 

"That's fine," she said stiffly, sounding disgusted. She threw another glare at Syl as she turned away and Krit could tell that Syl had to stop herself from attacking the woman. Then she sat down. 

"Anyway, you don't." 

"Don't?" 

"Hate Zack," he said. She shrugged. 

"No, but if I'd beat that bitch up I would have felt a whole lot better," she growled. 

"You spilled coffee on her," Krit protested. Zane was staying quiet, but Syl glared at him. 

"What's wrong with you?" she asked. "Have you gone soft?" 

"Maybe." He shrugged. A month before that comment would have made him very angry, but after spending a few weeks with Jondy, who was emotionally unpredictable, he had learned to take most things in stride. It was nice to be calm. Syl, meanwhile, was gazing at him thoughtfully. 

"You've changed," she noted. 

"Yes," he said. "But Zack won't." 

"No," Syl agreed. 

"No," Zane echoed. 

"What else?" Syl asked; Krit looked at her. 

"What, suicidal wasn't enough?" 

"There's more, I can see it on your face." She narrowed her eyes at him. "What is it?" Krit and Jondy had already decided that she would tell Zane about the baby herself, though he was concerned she wouldn't do it. 

"It's something Jondy has to deal with when she's ready," he said. 

"Can we go now?" 

"Yes," Krit said. "Just don't set her off." 

"Set her off?" Syl repeated, confused. 

"She's been really good this last week, but before... The littlest thing would break her. She would start crying or laughing- that was worse- for the tiniest reason, and sometimes she was so clingy and then other times she wouldn't let me touch her and-" He broke off, shook his head, ran a hand through his dark hair. 

"You're exhausted," Syl noted, touching his hand sympathetically. 

"We're out of money. I was supposed to start work today but she wouldn't let me leave. I got fired." 

"We'll take care of it," Zane spoke up. "We've got money." 

"Good," Krit said. "Good." He stood up. "Anyway, should we go?" 

"Yeah," Syl said, leaving some money on the table. "Let's go. Tonight you're going to sleep." He turned, grinned at her. 

"With you?" he asked. She faltered and his smile faded. 

"Sorry. I-" 

"Later," she said, cutting him off. "We'll have lots of time to talk tonight. Let's just get these two love birds reunited." She waved a hand at Zane, who smiled tensely, and they climbed into their respective cars. 

Krit braced himself as he entered the small house, but Jondy emerged from the kitchen almost immediately, unhurt. 

"You're okay." His voice was full of relief; he'd feared she would have broken down alone with the stress of Zane's impending arrival, but she actually looked quite calm. She smiled. 

"Yes," she said. "I'm fine." 

"Jondy," Syl said softly, pulling her little sister into her arms, tears in her eyes. 

"Don't worry, Syl," Jondy said, smiling over her shoulder. Her smile faded slightly as Zane entered the townhouse behind Syl. They stared at each other, their eyes wide. The two of them stood there for a full minute, and a strange feeling came over Jondy. _I'm looking at a ghost._

She regretted the thought as soon as she had it, because immediately she got an image of Zane with chains and a white sheet and as hard as she tried she couldn't stop a loud, wild giggle from escaping her lips. She saw Krit's eyes become slightly panicked and he half-expected the glint he hadn't seen in days to come back now. When it didn't he allowed himself some tentative relief. 

"Come on," he said, taking Syl's hand and leading her upstairs. "Let's give them some privacy." 

"Okay," she said, tossing a smile to Jondy and patting Zane's arm as she passed. Neither of them noticed their siblings leave the room. 

"Jondy," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. 

"Zane," she breathed back. They stared at each other, their looks all uncertainty and fear and love and hope, tears gathering in both their eyes. Then Jondy turned and left the room.


	7. Chapter 1

Title: Lacrima Amare 

Author: Ashantai 

E-Mail: ashantai@hotmail.com 

Archive: Please ask! 

Pairings: Jondy/Zane, Krit/Syl 

Rating: PG-13 

Spoilers: None 

Summary: Post-SAR; Jondy is devastated and Krit tries to help... but can he reach her before the depression destroys her? 

Disclaimer: I don't own Dark Angel, wish I did, don't sue me please. 

  
http://devoted.to/x5 

  


This story is part 4 of the Via Memorius series. Click on my name to see the rest (they are numbered 1-4)

  
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 1 

Dead. Zane was dead. Zane, with his red hair and big grins, the long talks they had into the night when he wouldn't go to sleep, the soft feel of his shoulder under her cheek, the way he'd tilt his head at her when she was feeling sad and make her smile. Zane. Dead. 

    _Drip... _

    Drip... 

    Drip... 

The tap was leaking, had been leaking for days. She didn't care. Jondy lay on her bed, listening to the dripping sound coming from the adjoining bathroom. She wondered, _Will it drip for so long that the whole room will fill with water and kill me?_ Zack would come to check on her, make sure she'd settled in alright, and there she'd be, with her face blue and cold and dead like Tinga's. Jondy thought about that, tried to cry for her sister, but couldn't. 

It was funny. Sometimes she would cry for hours, and hate herself for it, and other times she'd try her hardest to squeeze just one tear out and it wouldn't come. Actually, it wasn't funny at all. 

The phone rang; Jondy ignored it. The sun set; she ignored it. She laid there, not sleeping, not eating, not moving unless she had to. Time passed but had no meaning. On the sixth day she had a seizure and was incredibly lucky when she didn't die because she couldn't be bothered to get up for her pills. Some nights she'd suddenly sit up, grab a pad of paper, and write a eulogy for Zane to read at his funeral. She did that at least four times, but each time as soon as the sun rose she remembered in the ugly light of day that no body would be found, and that there would be no funeral. Each morning she tore up the night's work and flushed it down the toilet, hating herself for not remembering sooner. She wondered if she was insane, but didn't care. 

One night she walked into the kitchen on shaky legs, picked up a steak knife, and drew it across her wrists. Blood beaded on her white skin, dripping down to make a lovely design on the shabby kitchen counter. She sliced it through her flesh several times, but each time made only scratches, nothing life-threatening. She hated herself for not being able to just push a little harder, so after a few hours of trying to do it and failing each time she hurled the knife against the wall in anger, where it stuck straight out from the drywall. It was still there. 

On the twelfth day Jondy took a shower and washed her straw-like hair, standing in front of the mirror afterward naked, the hair dryer in hand. She could see her ribs sticking through her skin because she hadn't eaten in a week. It hadn't been a conscious attempt to starve herself- she'd simply not noticed. 

She could remember how Zane used to roll his eyes at her every time she picked up the dryer because, though her blonde hair wasn't exceptionally long, it was thick and wavy, and was always a trial to dry. He would grin as she dried it meticulously, often spending so much time in front of the mirror that the fluorescent lights would start giving her a headache. He'd laugh at her for that in his cheerful way, and she'd giggle along with him. But now it didn't seem so funny anymore. Not without him. 

Jondy lowered the dryer from her semi-wet hair and threw a towel around herself. She walked into the kitchen, rifling through the drawers. When she found what she was looking for she went back into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror again. A pale, hollow face and red-rimmed eyes with black circles under them stared back at her. Jondy gathered her hair into a loose ponytail with her left hand and reached up with the other. A sparkle of something between insanity and delight passed through her eyes as she watched the lopped-off ponytail hit the linoleum floor, the scissors shining against her scalp. She cut and cut until the hair was relatively even on every side and not longer than an inch anywhere. Gazing at herself in the mirror, she grinned for the first time in days. 

Then she collapsed onto the bathroom floor and sobbed.


	8. Chapter 8

For title, disclaimer, etc., see Chapter 1 

Please check out my X5 website- http://devoted.to/x5 

A/N: Pretty much all my fanfics take place in the same universe and this chapter hints at my story "Children of a Broken World - A Long Way to Eden" (and also at "Chaleur," but that's not very important). You might want to read "A Long Way to Eden" if you haven't. It's not very long at all. http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=496938 

  
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 8 

Zane followed Jondy wordlessly through the kitchen and outside into the backyard, up a big oak tree near the fence, feeling almost like he was chasing after an apparition that would soon disappear. She stopped halfway to the top when the branches started to get thin and looked down at him expectantly; he swung himself up beside her, sat where the two boughs crossed. He reached for her. 

"Jondy," he said. She didn't move for a moment, just gazed at his outstretched hands as though they were the limbs of some foreign creature. Then she hesitated once more before sliding over beside him and allowing him to slip an arm around her shoulder. 

"Zane," she said, sighing the word against his chest, curling her hands against his jacket like a small child. He could feel her shaking but it wasn't from a seizure. 

"Hmm?" he asked. 

"Tell me." 

"What?" 

"Everything," she said softly. He obliged her. 

"After Zack sent me to California I couldn't deal," he said softly. "I thought I'd lost you- it was so hard, Jondy. I didn't know what to do. On the third day I caught my foot on the living room carpet and fell onto the floor. I barely got up for days. I just laid there." He stopped, tightened a hand around her tensed shoulder, rubbed it soothingly. "Anyway, it doesn't matter now." She pulled back from him, looked up into his dark eyes. He touched her soft blonde hair. "You cut it." 

"Yes," she said. He stroked the backs of his fingers against her cheek, gazing at her sadly. 

"I'm so sorry," he breathed. Jondy's face twisted and she shook her head. 

"It's not your fault. You believed him and so did I." Zane took her hand, squeezed it. She laid her head on his chest again. 

"Anyway," he said again. "It doesn't matter now. We're together." She felt his soft fingers clasped in hers and held on to them tightly, like a life line. 

"Zane?" They looked out at the noon-day sun, bright and round in the blue sky. 

"Yes?" His strong arms were safe around her. 

"Did you miss me?" Her voice was small; for some reason she had to hear him say it. 

"God, of course," he said. Jondy started crying. 

"I hate that I believed him," she said in a tiny voice. Then, "I hate _him."_ There was a short pause. 

"It's over now," he said finally. He'd been so easy-going, always. At this moment she hated him for that, his ability to forgive, to forget. Sure, he'd laid on the floor for days, but had he tried to kill himself? Had he almost murdered a tiny life within him just because... she shook the thought away as he added softly, "You don't hate him and that's okay." He rubbed a hand over her back as she let out a long shaky sigh, knowing he was right. 

"I want to," she said, her voice bitter. 

"I know," he agreed heavily. Maybe he did understand. Jondy smiled. 

"Zane?" She suddenly felt more peaceful than she had in months. 

"Yes?" 

"I'm sorry." 

"Me too." Gentle. "I love you." She could hear it in his voice, knew it was true; she could hear his happiness at seeing her again, buried beneath his worry for her. She nodded against his chest. 

"I love you, too." 

"Jondy," he said, his voice hesitant, almost afraid. "I'm _in_ love with you." She pulled back from him, gazed up at his face, wanting to tell him she was in love with him too because she was, but something was pushing at the back of her mind, something she'd been struggling with for months, a nagging feeling that had started long before Zack had split them up or even found out they were living together, back when they still thought he was dead. She hesitated before taking a huge breath. 

"Zane..." She couldn't stop the fear from entering her voice. "Are you my brother?" There was a long pause and his face fell slightly. Obviously that hadn't been the response he'd been hoping for. 

"I don't know," he said honestly, and sighed, long and loud and hard. His voice was strained. "Maybe," he said finally. "Does it matter?" 

"Sometimes," she whispered. 

"Yeah," he agreed, heavy. "Yeah." 

"Zane?" 

"Yes?" 

"I'm in love with you, too." She felt him relax immediately and he kissed the top of her head gently, tightening his arms around her. 

"I know," he said. "Don't worry, Jondy." Birds were perched on the roof of the house next door. 

"Will you stay here with me for a while?" 

"I'm not going anywhere." 

"I've missed you." Tears stung her eyes and her voice shook. She could barely form the words through the lump in her throat. "I've missed you so much." 

"It's going to be okay," he said softly, trying to convince both of them as he stroked her hair. The feathers of the birds' folded wings fluttered in the breeze. There was a long pause; she pulled back and his dark brown eyes were immediately glued to her blue ones. She felt like he could see right through her. She was terrified that he would disappear any moment. 

"No one could make me leave again," he said gently, reading her thoughts; he knew her so well still. "I'm staying right here." Jondy nodded, then her hand dropped lightly to her stomach and she frowned. _He doesn't know everything._ She blinked against the tears stinging her eyes and laid her head on his chest once more. 

  
Syl hung in the doorway of the bedroom. Krit sat down tentatively on the end of Jondy's bed and gave her a questioning look. Then he realized. 

"Oh," he said. "Well, this is private. I didn't mean-" She forced a smile, raised a hand to stop him. 

"I know," she said. She took a tentative seat on the chair beside the bed. 

"Syl?" he asked. "What's wrong?" She looked at him, her dark eyes hesitant. 

"It wasn't- I didn't plan on it." 

"Plan on it," he repeated blankly. 

"Kissing you," she explained. "During that mission. You were- you almost-" She sighed, frustrated. "We were over such a long time ago." 

"Over," he said weakly. "Right." 

"We were." 

"I know." 

"But now..." 

"Now," he repeated, trying to be helpful. "Now... what?" 

"Now I don't know." She stood up and walked to the window, hugged her arms around her shoulders, turned back to him. "You know how I feel," she said. 

"Too much," he answered, quoting her from the night they'd officially broken up almost two years before. "Too confusing." 

"Too confusing," she agreed. She sat down again. 

"But now?" he asked. 

"Now it's different." 

"Right," he said. "Of course. Different in a good way?" 

"Maybe." Her hand came up, touched his cheek. She was studying his face, looking for something. He let her. Finally she dropped her hand, sighed, didn't find it. "Maybe," she said again. 

"Syl." He took her hand in his. "We had something good." 

"I know." She pulled away. "It was too much, though." He sighed. 

"Yeah," he said. Secretly he thought they'd had something salvageable, but once Syl decided something she didn't go back on that decision. And she'd decided that a relationship based on relieving her heat cycles wasn't really a healthy one. He been able to see her point, of course, agreed with her on that, but he'd always assumed that the two of them would have evolved from a relationship of casual sex every three or four months into something more meaningful. 

But Syl got scared. She got scared a lot about sex and romance, nothing really else. She was ultra-brave about everything but that. Krit didn't know why; he'd never asked because he'd sensed she didn't want to talk about it. Zack had been involved, he knew, from something she'd said on a sunny morning in June four years before, the only time she'd ever said anything about it. 

  
_"Why do you always listen to Zack?" he'd asked her then. "I mean, you never even protest. You should at least protest. I know he pisses you off as much as the rest of us sometimes." She smiled at him, her soft hands drawing patterns on his arm, over his chest. When she answered her voice was low with a dark memory. _

"You have no idea how much I owe Zack," she said. "He helped me once, a long time ago. I was in a bad situation." 

"He's helped all of us," Krit said, dropping a kiss to her bare shoulder. 

"Not like that," was all she'd say. 

"Don't cry." He reached up, brushed a tear away. She smiled at him. 

"Anyway," she said. "That was a long time ago." 

  
"Are you listening to me?" Syl asked, startling him out of his reverie. 

"Oh... no," he stammered. "What?" She smiled, rolled her eyes. 

"I said that I thought, _maybe,_ we still have... something." He grinned at her when she said that. 

"We'll always have something, Syl." 

"Yeah," she said, hesitant. "Maybe." His hand came up, soft against her cheek. He leaned forward, touched his lips against hers. She sat there, tentatively brought a hand up against his face, but when he tried to deepen the kiss she turned her head away suddenly. There were tears in her eyes. 

"Sorry," he said, alarmed. "I thought-" 

"No, no, I'm happy," she interrupted, smiled. "The mission- When you almost-" She broke off. "Well, it was emotional, and I felt... stupid. I wasn't sure if you still felt the same-" Krit leaned down and silenced her with another kiss; this time instead of pushing him away she smiled into his lips, threading her arms around his back. All the tension and uncertainty and love they still had for each other poured out between them. Finally and reluctantly they broke apart to breathe. 

"We had something good," he repeated his earlier words. 

"We'll always have something," she agreed. Then she smiled, put her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. He touched her back lightly, content just to hold her close. He'd been waiting almost two years for this moment. 

"This was definitely worth getting shot nine times," he whispered into her hair. She laughed, happy and free and melodic. Krit breathed in her vanilla shampoo and smiled. 

"Krit?" Jondy's tearful voice came from the doorway suddenly, hesitant. He released Syl and stood up quickly, too worried to be disappointed about having to let her go. 

"What's wrong?" Syl asked, standing more slowly. Krit walked over to Jondy, touched her shoulder; she fell into his arms and sobbed, low hiccuping sounds. 

"What?" Krit asked softly. "What is it?" 

"I... told Zane..." she said between tears. "About... the baby." 

"Baby?" Syl's voice came, her eyes wide with surprise. Krit looked at her, nodded, tried to comprehend what Jondy was sobbing out. He couldn't understand; he knew Zane. Zane who loved children, who loved the idea of having children, who loved _Jondy,_ for God's sake. What the hell was wrong with him? 

"What happened?" he asked. 

"He left," Jondy said. "He said he had to go somewhere and think, and then he left. He looked really angry." 

"Zane," Krit growled. "I'm going to _kill-"_

"Wait, wait, wait," Syl cut in, glaring at him. Jondy was still crying into his shoulder, soaking his shirt. He didn't care. Syl touched her sister's hair. 

"You should sleep," she said. "You look exhausted." 

"I sleep too much." Her voice was bitter. 

"Making up for your childhood, no doubt," Syl said, soothingly, keeping her voice light. Krit looked at her and for the first time realized that she would make a good mother. He shook that thought away almost as soon as it came- he'd only just gotten her to kiss him again. _Slow down,_ his internal voice berated, disgusted with himself. 

"At least lie down," Krit said. "Stress isn't good for the baby." 

"Who cares?" Jondy asked, her voice terribly forlorn. "He doesn't want it anyway." 

"Jondy..." he started, but he didn't know what else to say. She reminded him of a child who'd fallen into a hole, climbing up slowly and then finally almost making it to out, only to be kicked down again by someone standing at the top. First that someone had been Zack, and now it was Zane who'd beat her down. Krit had explained how she felt, that she was suicidal. What the hell was wrong with him? He walked with Jondy over to her bed, made her lie down. Syl hung back as he pulled the blankets over her fully-clothed form, shoes and all. He pulled those off and touched her hair; her hand came up against his cheek. 

"Sleep," he said. She gazed up at him, her lids already fluttering, her tears still flowing steadily. 

"Thanks," she said. He nodded and went back to Syl; they headed downstairs, not speaking, until she turned to him in the living room. 

"Sorry about that," he started. "She gets-" 

"Be careful," she interrupted, catching him off-guard. 

"What?" 

"She's messed up, Krit. Just be careful." His eyes darkened at the implication in her words. 

"She's my sister," he said, low. 

"So am I." That made him hesitate; his anger fell away. 

"Syl..." 

"I don't know what I was thinking," she said suddenly, turning toward the door. 

"Jondy-" 

"Dammit, this isn't about Jondy," she snapped. "You're my _brother,_ Krit!" 

"No I'm not!" he yelled. 

"Are you hers?" she asked evenly; he opened his mouth, closed it, glanced away. She shook her head. "How does that work?" 

"I don't know," he said. "I don't know." He took her hand. "Please don't throw this away. We can really have something if we try." 

"I'm going back to California as soon as we've knocked some sense into Zane," she said, extracting her hand from his. "And you'll be going back to Montana." 

"That never stopped us before," he said, smiling, trying to lighten the mood. "I seem to recall a certain someone driving twenty hours just to spend the night with me." It was the wrong thing to say. Her face crumpled slightly, then she forced it back together. 

"That's not how I wanted it to be," she whispered. "You were-" 

"That's a lie," he said, a little more harshly than he'd intended. "When you were with me you said you'd never felt so content with... it." For some reason he couldn't say 'your heat.' It sounded rude, callous. "You said when it was a stranger you felt disgusting." She hesitated. 

"Yeah." 

"Well? Then what is all this 'that's not how I wanted it to be' crap?" 

"I don't know," she said, turning away. Another lie. He grabbed her arm. 

"Yes you do. Why the hell are you always so scared, Syl?" 

"I'm not scared!" She wrenched herself away from him. 

"Yes you are, this is the only thing you're scared of. Why?" She shrugged her shoulders, picked up one of Jondy's books. He swatted it out of her hands. 

"Settle down," she snapped. "You have such a temper!" He forced himself to obey, knowing it was true, one of his weaknesses. 

"Sorry," he said, and meant it. She shrugged again. 

"Whatever." 

"Dammit, Syl." He looked at the clock, sighed. "We have to find Zane." 

"Fine," she said icily. 

"Fine," he repeated, just as cold. They grabbed their jackets; Krit hesitated in the doorway. 

"Wait, you'd better go yourself," he said. "Jondy's upset. I don't want to leave her alone." 

"I'll stay," she said immediately. He narrowed his eyes at her. 

"There's nothing between us, Syl." 

"Go on, find Zane, you should be the one to talk to him anyway, you're a guy." She pushed him toward the door. "We'll be fine, we'll paint each other's toenails or something." She smiled but he didn't. 

"Fine, but don't leave her alone," he said. She softened as she saw his worried expression. 

"I won't," she said. "Don't worry." Then she raised a hand to his cheek and pulled him down for a kiss. It was her way of apologizing, he knew. Krit smiled at her. "Go find that idiot," she said.


	9. Chapter 9

For title, disclaimer, etc., see Chapter 1 

Please check out my X5 website- http://devoted.to/x5 

  
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 9 

Going up to think: one of the many legacies of Ben's childhood imagination and probably the only good one. As far as he knew, every one of his brothers and sisters did it. 

"Zane," he said once he'd swung himself onto the roof of an elementary school two blocks away, seeing him standing on the other side of the roof, staring out at the city. He'd already tried a church and a three-storey bowling alley, but his third guess was the place. Zane turned, not looking at all surprised that Krit had found him. Then he looked back out at Pittsburgh without a word and Krit walked over to stand beside him. 

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked, trying to keep the anger from his voice. Zane gave him a sideways glance. 

"Jondy said she hated Zack," he said. "I told her she didn't, not really. It was true." 

"Okay," Krit said slowly. "Sure. It's Zack." 

"Yeah." Zane let out a long breath. "I hate him, though. I do." 

"No." 

"Yes," he insisted, looking at Krit. "I really do. I didn't until she told me about the baby, but when she said that..." He shrugged. "I hate him." 

"That's big," Krit said, forgetting his anger for a moment. "What's that like?" 

"Hating Zack?" Zane laughed at the question, then became serious. "It's kind of sad. Not as scary as I thought it'd be." His eyes darkened slightly. "If he came here now, I'd kill him." 

"Right," Krit said weakly, feeling helpless. "Zane, what did she say? What did you say?" 

"She didn't tell you?" 

"She was crying too much to really say anything intelligible." He'd wanted to hurt Zane, was happy to see the pain cross his face. Krit tried to remember to keep his temper in check. 

"That's not what I meant," Zane said, sitting down, swinging his legs over the wall. Such trust, Krit thought, evaluating his brother's weaknesses without meaning to, the soldier part of him always working. _I could push him right now, catch him off-guard, and he might not land on his feet._ He shook the thought away, sat next to Zane and sighed. 

"Are you happy?" 

"About the baby? Of course." Zane smiled. "You know me. I love kids." 

"Jondy thinks you're angry at her." 

"That's not what I meant," Zane said again. He kicked at a light fixture partway down the wall. It broke off, tumbled to the concrete below, shattered. He sighed. "She scares me." Krit nodded. 

"Yeah, me too." 

"Kind of ridiculous, the two of us afraid of little Jondy." He laughed, but there was no humour in the sound. 

"It's not that kind of fear." 

"No," Zane agreed. "Listen, I want to thank you for everything you've done for her." 

"Come on," Krit said, smiling, touching his shoulder. "You don't have to thank me for that." 

"Yeah," Zane said. There was a short silence. "Syl's pretty hung up on you I think." Krit's smile faded; his hand dropped. 

"Yeah, maybe. She's weird about it, though. Scared." 

"Oh." Zane sighed. "Oh. Well, we're all scared. That's what being an X5 is about." He looked at Krit; his voice was bitter. "Didn't you know that?" Krit shrugged uncomfortably. 

"I try not to think about it. Anyway, none of this is about Manticore." 

"Sure it is," Zane said. "You think if we'd grown up in the Real World we would be this screwed up? You with your goddamn violent temper, Syl terrified of sex, Jondy slicing her wrists open, me wondering if I could throw you off this roof and how much I love you in the same thought?" Krit's eyebrows raised in surprise at Zane's words, mirroring his earlier thoughts. Zane kicked off another light fixture; it fell and shattered musically against the pavement. 

"You still call it that," Krit noted after a moment. "The Real World. Capital letters." Zane shrugged, so Krit continued, "Anyway, you're wrong. If we grew up here, with their rules, their cultural ideas, me and Syl, you and Jondy, we wouldn't be like this. Guys from the Real World don't sleep with their sisters." Zane winced, glanced away. 

"Do you have to be so crude?" 

"It's the truth." 

"I like my truth better." 

"There's only one truth." Zane smacked him lightly across the back of the head but somehow the motion managed to come across as loving. 

"You sound like a movie," he said. Krit shrugged. 

"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "Well, anyway, we should get back." 

"I'd like to take Jondy away from all of this," Zane said softly, ignoring him, staring out at Pittsburgh. "Out of this country. We could go to Canada." 

"Sure," Krit answered. "You could go to Canada. But what would you really be escaping?" 

"Zack, for one." 

"Yeah," he said heavily. "I guess." 

"We'd call if that's what you're worried about," Zane said. "Write." 

"That's not really very high on my list of concerns," Krit told him. "Anyway, that's something you and Jondy have to decide for yourselves." 

"I guess," Zane said heavily. He looked down at the ground, sighed. "I'd better pick up those lights," he said. "Kids will be playing here tomorrow." Krit smiled at him. 

"You and Jondy are going to be okay," he said. He slapped his brother's shoulder in a friendly manner, stood. "Come on, I'll help you." They went down to where Zane had kicked the lights off, cleared the shards of glass and metal, threw them into a dumpster in the back of the school. The world was dirty and dangerous enough for these kids, why make it any harder? When they were done Krit drove them home in comfortable silence. 

  
"Zane," Jondy said, throwing herself at him when he came through the door. 

"I'm sorry," he said. "I wasn't angry at you. I shouldn't have left." 

"It's okay," she said. "I'm too emotional. I jumped to conclusions." Zane smiled into her hair, kissed her. 

"Let's go talk," he said, and took her hand, leading her from the room. Syl turned to Krit, both of them having watched the exchange with pleased smiles on their faces. 

"You found him," she said. 

"Yeah." 

"So..." She stood a few feet away from him, fidgeted. 

"So," he repeated. She smiled at him, picked up one of Jondy's books and headed into the living room, settling into the sofa to read. He followed, sitting down wordlessly beside her, throwing a blanket over their legs. She leaned her head on his shoulder and put the book down. 

"I do love you," she said, soft. He closed his eyes briefly. 

"Syl," he said. "I know that." 

"Yeah." She was crying, he could hear the tears in her voice. "It's just too much." 

"I don't want to get into this again," he told her, a little more harshly than he'd intended. She played with the buttons on his shirt. 

"I'm sorry," she said. He touched her cheek, made her look at him. 

"I just wish you would tell me," he said. "I mean, do I have to ask Zack?" She actually laughed. 

"Zack won't tell you anything," she said. He stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers. A memory suddenly came back to him, one he forgotten until now. 

  
_"Zack!" Who was that screaming? "Zack!" Krit's eyes opened; he'd been sleeping. There was a cramp in his neck from the uncomfortable sofa. Next to him was a warm spot but its occupant was gone. He must have been about eleven. He rose slowly, walked down the hall of a cozy house. The voice came again, "Zack!" _

"Tinga?" It was her, maybe thirteen. He came around a bend in the hallway and saw Zack just running into one of the rooms. He walked over to it and stopped in its doorway, peered around the doorframe so he wouldn't be seen. They still thought he was asleep. It was Tinga's bedroom; both their backs were to him. "What's wrong with her?" She was crying. 

"Where is she?" Zack growled, startling her with his harshness. He was about fourteen. 

"She-" Tinga shook her head, looked down at the floor. Krit heard a tiny crying sound, like a kitten, and realized it was coming from under the bed. "She won't come out." Tinga walked toward Zack, her dark eyes smoldering. "What's wrong with her?" she asked again. 

"Where's Krit?" Zack asked; Krit held his breath. 

"In the living room," Tinga said, and he relaxed slightly. "We were sleeping. I heard her..." She looked at him again. "What's wrong with her, Zack?" 

"Go back out there," Zack said softly, ignoring her question. "Leave me with her." 

"Tell me, dammit, I'm not a child!" Krit watched Zack actually blink in surprise at this, as though he'd never considered that she could be old enough to handle whatever was going on. The look on his face made a smile cross her lips briefly, and she reached out to touch his arm. "Tell me, Zack. I know something happened to her. I saw the bruises. Tell me what's wrong with her so I can help." 

"Go back out there with Krit," Zack said again; his voice was pained. "And close the door behind you." He looked at her. "That's an order, Tinga." She was briefly irritated, but after a moment she turned; Krit jerked his head back from the door, but she was out before he could make it very far down the hall. He felt her hand, soft and comforting against his shoulder. 

"Don't worry," she said, her eyes full of the fear she was trying to hide. "Everything's okay." 

"What's going on?" Krit asked as she walked him back into the living room, sat them on the sofa. He repeated her own words, "I'm not a child." 

"Sure you are, little brother," she said, her dark eyes gathering tears. She hugged him close, wrapped the blanket back around him. "So am I." Another crying sound came from down the hall and she glanced away so she wouldn't have to lie into his eyes, forced a smile. "Syl's fine. Just go to sleep." 

  
Syl pulled away from him, wiping at her cheeks. 

"Please," he said slowly, now uncertain if he didn't know already, if it had simply been too horrible to remember. "Please tell me." 

"You never pushed before," she said, studying his face, his dark eyes. "You never asked." Her voice was shaking; she sounded so sad. "Why do you have to now?" 

"Do you remember going to see Tinga with Zack when we were little?" he asked softly. He heard her sharp intake of breath. 

"Don't," she said. 

"I was eleven," he continued gently. "You must have been... what, thirteen?" She stood. 

"Don't," she whispered again. He got up from the sofa as well, walked over to her, touched her shoulder. 

"Please," he said. "What happened, Syl?" 

"I said don't!" She whirled, catching him across the face with a punch, sending him careening into the endtable; a vase of flowers toppled, shattered. The phone dropped, fell off the hook. The dial tone filled the room, the only sound in the tense air. Syl was gazing down at him, eyes wide, tears streaming down her face. He stared up at her, speechless. She dropped to her knees beside him, touched the blood running down his face. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her hands shaking. "Oh, I'm sorry." 

"Krit?" Zane called from upstairs. "Syl? What's going on?" 

"Nothing!" Krit called, finally regaining his voice. "Everything's fine!" 

"Okay," Zane said, sounding uncertain. Krit waited until he heard the bedroom door shut upstairs. Syl was crying softly beside him; he sat up. 

"I'm okay," he said. "Really, it didn't hurt. You just surprised me. It's fine." Her head dropped into her hands; tiny sobs escaped her lips, not unlike the ones he'd heard that night ten years before. 

"Please stop talking," she whispered; he touched her shoulder and she flinched away as though burned. "Just stop," she bit out. "Please. Just stop." 

"Okay," he said, backing away slightly, giving her some room. "Okay, it's okay. You're alright." 

"No," she said. "No, I'm not." 

"Syl-" 

"Just leave me alone," she virtually growled at him. "Please, Krit. I don't want to hurt you." She stood up, hurried from the room, into the kitchen. He heard the back door slam and he sat there for a long time, stunned, the blood drying on his face from where she'd almost broken his nose. 

  
To make matters worse, Zack returned the next morning. He wisely parked in front of the little house and stayed in the truck, sending Brin up to the front door. Syl quickly left with him, glad to get away from Krit, who she hadn't spoken to since she'd fled the living room the day before. The other three X5s were tense for various reasons, but they tried to make small talk with Brin, genuinely glad to see her. 

"He really is sorry," Brin told them. Seeing indifferent shrugs all around, she stifled a sigh and turned to Jondy and Zane. "Congratulations," she said. 

"Thank you," Jondy answered sincerely, her face lighting up slightly. Krit watched Zane take her hand and smiled; they seemed to be tentatively getting to know one another again. They'd both changed so much, he knew it would take time, but he was confident that they would be fine now that they were together again. 

"Brin," he said. "Zack isn't very popular around here. Let's talk about something else, okay?" 

"How are you?" Zane asked. 

"I'm good," she said. "We've been moving around a lot. It suits me." 

"You've seen everyone?" 

"Yeah. They're all doing fine. Case is getting big." 

"Case?" The other three X5s exchanged surprised glances. 

"Sure," she said. "He's almost eight now." 

"You've seen him?" Krit asked. 

"Of course. Zack checks on him. He's in Canada, but just over the border. Actually, it's easy because he's living right near-" She stopped. "Well, I'm not supposed to say where the rest of us are." She looked apologetic but obviously had no intention of saying anything more about it. 

"Why is he back now?" 

"I don't know. He said after last time..." Her eyes slid to Krit. "He said he wouldn't want to come back for a long time. He said that every day for a week." She shrugged. "It took me a little while but I realized he was actually saying that he _did_ want to come back here." Brin sighed, looked at Zane and Jondy. "He really is sorry," she said again. "He didn't know." 

"He could have asked," Zane said bitterly. 

"You could have told him," she countered gently. There was a brief silence. 

"I'll see him," Jondy said suddenly, surprising them all. 

"Really?" Brin asked, brightening. 

"Yeah." She sounded almost angry, as though someone was forcing her. "Though I'm sure I'll regret it." She looked at Zane. "What about you?" 

"I have no interest in seeing Zack," he said. She put a hand on his arm. 

"It would make me happy," she said. "If there's a chance things could be like they were before..." All four X5s' eyes glazed over slightly with memories: before Brin's reindoctrination, before Zack's amnesia, before Ben and Tinga's deaths, before Jondy and Zane's estrangement from Zack, before Syl punched Krit or ever slept with him... Just _before._ Childhood. Simple, uncomplicated, loving, even with Manticore around them. 

The escape had been the best thing for them, of course, despite everything that had happened afterward, but none of them had really known then just what they would be leaving behind- the family, love, kinship, safety and security they had amongst themselves, the only thing that had been impossible to reproduce in the Real World. In Manticore they'd just been frightened children not wanting to be scared anymore. But Krit often wondered, as he was sure most of the others did, whether or not he would have chosen to escape had he truly known all that he would be giving up. 

"Anyway," Zane's voice cut through his thoughts. "If Jondy wants to talk to him I'll be here." His eyes darkened slightly. "I'm not leaving him alone with you," he said to Jondy. "He might try to force you away somewhere again." 

"Zane," Krit said, then wondered why he was defending Zack. "Never mind." Brin looked like she wanted to protest, but wisely decided against it. She stood, smiled through the tension in the room. 

"I'll set it up," she said.


	10. Chapter 10

For title, disclaimer, etc., see Chapter 1 

Please check out my X5 website- http://devoted.to/x5 

A/N: Okay, this chapter goes way deeper into the events of my short story "Children of a Broken World - A Long Way to Eden" than previous chapters of this or any of the other VM stories did. Before I suggested you read it- now I really think you might not understand fully if you don't. http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=496938 

  
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 10 

"I'm in such bad shape," Syl complained early the next morning, dropping into one of the living room chairs. Krit was at work but would be back in a few hours; Jondy and Zane were reading at different ends of the sofa, a blanket shared between them. Zane rolled his eyes at her. 

"Oh, definitely," he said wryly. "Horrible shape." He eyed her flat stomach and she blushed. 

"I can't believe you guys don't have at least an exercise bike," she said, breathing a dramatic sigh. "I guess I'll actually have to go jogging or something." 

"You and I could do the Jondy-Zane workout," Zane said; Syl narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously as Jondy hid a giggle behind her hand. 

"What's that?" Syl asked. Zane smiled, stood up and pulled her to her feet as well. He threw a punch at her, missing on purpose. Syl laughed, glanced at Jondy. 

"You guys used to play fight to keep in shape?" she asked, smiling at Zane and readying her fists. He threw another punch, this time much more serious, though he still didn't touch her. Jondy sighed wistfully from the sofa, putting a hand over her stomach. 

"I used to have so much fun doing that," she said melodramatically. "Ah well, looks like it's just you and me now, kiddo." Zane smiled over at her and Syl caught him off-guard, cuffing him. He grinned at her standing before him, a grin on her face as she raised her fists against him. He faked a punch to the right, then one to the left, then hooked a leg behind both of hers, tripping her but reaching out to catch her before she hit the floor. 

"Oh, I like this," Syl said, grinning as he steadied her onto her feet. He stepped back and resumed his attack stance. She threw a couple of punches and landed a soft kick in his stomach, throwing him back a foot lightly. He grinned back at her, threw another punch, but she managed to dodge the blow and the next two, dancing out of his reach. Zane grabbed her around the waist, tumbling with her onto the carpeted floor, pinning her down. 

"One... two... three..." Jondy called as Syl struggled under his weight, laughing. 

"Oh, looks like I win," he said, smiling down at her. He snaked his hands from her shoulders to her stomach, under her arms, grinning as he remembered how she'd laughed, loud and uninhibited, when he'd tickled her as a child. Suddenly her entire body stiffened. He shot her a questioning look, sensing the change. Jondy's brow furrowed and she exchanged a look with him. 

"Don't," Syl said softly, her smile gone, the light in her eyes now cold, her voice dead serious; she squeezed her eyes closed. 

"Syl?" he asked, frozen. Had he hurt her? What was going on? "What-" 

"Hey!" Zack suddenly yelled from the doorway; three pairs of eyes shot to him in surprise. Brin was standing just behind him. He stepped into the room. "Don't do that," he said. Zane slowly removed his hands and sat back, letting Syl up. 

"Don't tickle me," she said, her voice shaking slightly. 

"Sorry," he said from the floor as she stood and dropped onto the sofa, hugging her knees to her chin. Zack shot her a look and she forced herself to smile. 

"It's okay," she said to him. "I'm fine." She looked at Zane. "Really, don't worry. I just don't like to be tickled. You couldn't know." 

"You used to," was all he could say. Jondy was remaining silent, gazing at them. 

"Yeah, well now she doesn't," Zack said. Zane glared at him; once his concern over having possibly hurt Syl had faded, he remembered his anger toward Zack. 

"So you're here," he said. Zack sensed the change in his posture and attitude and nodded slowly. 

"Yeah." His eyes slid to Jondy. "You wanted to talk." 

"I'll go," Syl said, walking over to Brin. "Come with me. We'll go for a walk." 

"Sure," Brin said; she smiled at the others. "Let's go." They turned to the door but Zack caught Syl's arm. Zane frowned in confusion as they exchanged a complicated series of gazes and then Syl touched his shoulder lightly. 

"I'm fine," she said again. Zack nodded and watched her leave, then turned hesitantly to Jondy and Zane, sitting down slowly in the chair next to the sofa. There was a long, uncomfortable silence. 

  
They ended up at the same coffee shop Syl and Zane had met Krit at when he'd announced that Jondy was suicidal. 

"That must have been hard," Brin said gently as she sipped her latte. She smiled at the taste. 

"How are you?" Syl asked, avoiding the statement and all the pain attached to it. "How are you doing?" 

"I'm good," Brin assured her. "Like I said, I remembered almost everything, and what I didn't Zack's been helping me get back." She smiled a little. "He tells me stories from our childhood. Mostly I remember them, but it's nice to hear him tell them, to get them from his perspective." 

"Hold onto that," Syl advised. "It's not often Zack talks about the past." Brin nodded. 

"Yeah," she said. "That's what I thought." She looked at Syl, hesitated. "What was the tickling thing about?" Syl took a sip of her coffee. 

"I don't want to talk about that," she said. Brin nodded; she knew about complicated pasts, secrets that were so painful they became forgotten even to those who'd experienced them. Brin had her own history, her own scars to contend with, or not if she so chose. She smiled at Syl and let it go. 

  
"Do you need any money?" Zack asked finally; Zane shook his head, eyes dark. Beside him, Jondy bit her lip and looked away. Zack acknowledged that with the briefest of nods, sat back into the chair. He looked around the room. 

"Nice place," he said. 

"That's what you said last time." Jondy managed a smile. 

"Yeah, right before you split us up," Zane added; her smile fell away and she cringed. "How did that work in your head, Zack?" he continued icily. "Did you convince yourself it was good for us? Or is it still always about what's good for you?" 

"Zane," Jondy said softly; he stopped, but his expression made it clear it was only for her sake. 

"What did you want to talk about, Jondy?" Zack asked softly, staring at the coffee table and not at her. She let out a long breath and raised her blue eyes to his. 

"I wanted to know why," she said. "Like he said, except less mean." She touched Zane's arm before he could become annoyed at that comment. 

"I didn't know," Zack said. "I really didn't." 

"How convenient," Zane spat bitterly. "You could have asked." Jondy turned her head, said something into his ear so soft that even Zack couldn't hear it. Zane's jaw relaxed slightly and he nodded. 

"Sorry," he said gently to her, then looked sharply at Zack. "This conversation is important to her, but that's the only reason I'm going to be nice from now on." Then he leaned back into the sofa and crossed his arms over his chest. 

"I didn't know the whole story," Zack admitted, falling right back into the original conversation despite Zane's disruption. He glanced away. "I should have realized, though." He smiled a little. "You're going to be a mother, Jondy." 

"Yes." 

"Since when do you care?" Zane hissed. "I thought it was all sentimental lies and dead Tinga to you." Zane glanced at Jondy, winced at her expression. "Sorry." 

"Don't bring Tinga into this." Zack's voice was dangerous. Zane stood up, knew he was right, that the statement had been out of line, disrespectful to her memory. 

"I'm sorry I said that," he said. "But not for you, for _her."_ Zack rose to his feet; it annoyed Zane that he was an inch shorter than Zack was. 

"I've had just about enough-" 

"Stop fighting!" Jondy snapped. They fell silent, their eyes sliding to her before they sat back down slowly, tension virtually crackling between them. 

"I thought it would be best for you," Zack said slowly. "I thought it would be easier for you now, if you didn't have to lose each other another way." He swallowed. "A worse way, like some of the rest of us have had to lose each other." 

"If only you'd asked," Jondy said, her voice quiet with the sadness of someone who'd said those words, 'if only,' too many times. "If only you'd just asked." 

"Why didn't you tell me, Jondy?" he asked quietly. He looked at Zane, giving him a soft look that said, _I'm not blaming her, I'm just asking._

"I don't know," she whispered in a pained voice. "I was confused. I had just only found out about the baby, and-" She stopped, shook her head, brushed a tear away. 

"Does it really matter?" Zack asked softly. "It's done now." 

"No," Zane said, shaking his head, his anger taking over his promise to Jondy again. "No, that's what they taught us in Manticore. 'Forget your losses, forget the fallen soldiers that dropped away in training, on missions, in the field.'" He glared at Zack. "Well that's not going to happen now. They were my brothers and sisters, and it killed me to have to ignore them dead on the ground. I'm not going to be that soldier anymore- they can't make me now. I escaped, Zack! So I won't forget, I won't get over it. Not Ben, not Tinga, not _this!"_ He stood up, fists clenched, knowing that if he stayed any longer he would end up getting in a fight. His gaze softened slightly as he glanced at Jondy. "I'm sorry," he said, and left the room. Jondy felt tears stinging her eyes and forced them back; she stared down at her hands. 

"I'm still angry at you..." she said softly; he saw her eyes mist over, watched her struggle with her tears. "Don't think I'm getting over what you did anytime soon..." He nodded but said nothing, sensing her need to get this out. "I just..." She looked at him, let out a long sigh that ended in something like a sob. She wiped at her tears. "Could you..." She looked at him. "Could you hold me, Zack, please?" He was obviously surprised at the request. "I'm not getting over what happened," she said again; her voice was tiny. "But you always made me feel so safe." Zack stare at her for several moments, then stood up slowly, walked over to the sofa, sat next to her. 

"It's okay, Jondy." He stroked her short blonde hair, touched her cheek; after a moment's hesitation she leaned into him and let him wrap his arms around her. "It's okay," he whispered. She sighed into his chest, forcing herself to forget, for just a moment, all her pain and anger. She knew what Zane had said was true, but sometimes it was nice to forget, even if just for a brief time. It was easier that way, and it didn't hurt as much. She relaxed into Zack's warm embrace and let her tears fall. 

  
Brin and Zack left that evening. It was already crowded enough in Jondy's little house with three extra occupants living in it, and Zane didn't particularly want Zack sleeping in the same house with him anyway. 

"I'm glad we talked," Zack said to Jondy; she smiled slightly, nodded. Zane's glare fell away slightly as he saw the happiness on her face, then came back almost immediately. Zack pushed a wad of cash into her hand, at least two grand, probably more. She smiled gratefully. 

"Thanks," she said; Zack shrugged a humble _it's-my-job_ shrug and smiled. 

"Stay safe," Brin said. "Call if you need us." 

"We will," Krit told her, yawning a little from last night's work as a bouncer at a nearby bar. He pulled Brin and then Zack into his arms. Zane hugged Brin next, pointedly ignoring Zack, but Jondy gave him a quick embrace before pulling her sister into her arms, brushing the dark hair out of her face and smiling lovingly. Syl went out to the car with them, and Krit watched her and Zack talking, softly, smiling at one another, an understanding and comfort between them that he didn't see between Zack and anyone else but Max, though it was different with her. As he watched Zack hug Syl softly, touch her hair, for some reason it pissed him off. At first he thought that maybe it was because he was jealous, though he quickly decided he had no suspicion at all that there was anything between them. 

Then he realized he was angry because Zack had access to knowledge he didn't: what had happened to Syl ten years before, something he had been shielded from then and even now. If he was to pursue a meaningful relationship with her, shouldn't he know about it? Zack and Syl seemed to both agree that he shouldn't, despite the fact that he was now a responsible adult. As much as he hated to admit it, it annoyed the hell out of him. 

"Hey," Syl said as she rejoined him, walking through the front door and smiling, trailing a hand down one of his arms. She was in an unusually good mood. He caught her hand, held it; she shot him a questioning look. "What?" 

"We need to talk," he said. Her good-natured smile faded. 

"No we don't." She struggled out of his grip, went further into the house, into the kitchen where Zane and Jondy were making dinner. "Zane, what are we having?" she asked; he turned and smiled, opened his mouth to respond, then saw Krit's expression. 

"I'm not getting in the middle of that," he said; Jondy raised her eyes from the spaghetti sauce she was making and looked at them. 

"What's up?" 

"I think Krit's trying to ask her about that thing she won't talk about," he whispered in her ear; she nodded knowingly though she had no idea what he was referring to. 

"Well," she said. "We're making dinner. Go fight somewhere else, okay?" 

"Fine," Krit said, then to Syl, "Come on." She reluctantly allowed him to take her hand and lead her out the back door, grabbing their jackets on the way out and tossing her one. She pulled it on and sat down on a rock edging the garden a previous tenant had tried to create but which had gone wild through Jondy's ordeal. He sat next to her on another large rock. They stared up at the sky for a long time, stars slowly appearing in the gathering dusk. 

"I don't mean to push," he said finally. "But you used to tell me everything." His voice was full of pain. 

"I didn't tell you before," she said gently. "I didn't tell you everything." That did not help how he was feeling. 

"I thought you did." 

"Yeah, well, I'm sure you've kept things from me." She wasn't looking down from the sky. He gazed at her, watched her beautiful profile, smiled a little. 

"I didn't, Syl," he said. "How could I?" He stroked her cheek and turned her head gently toward him, touching his lips softly against hers. She wrenched away from him suddenly, her face tense. 

"You can't just kiss me and fix everything, Krit, that's not how it works," she said. "I'm not telling you because I don't want to talk about it." 

"But you told Zack," he said angrily. 

"He was there!" she cried. 

"So was I!" 

"Only after, that doesn't count!" she shouted at him. 

"After what?" he yelled, confused and frustrated. "Tell me, dammit!" 

"I don't have to! It's my choice!" 

  
"They're fighting," Zane said, turning to Jondy. A blob of spaghetti sauce hit his cheek, oozed down toward his chin; he reached up and brushed it away. "That was interesting," he said, grinning at her. 

"I thought so," she said. "Kiss me." 

"Because they're fighting?" he asked, already obliging her request, prowling toward her. 

"No," she said, grasping his strong arms as he backed her up against the counter. "Because we haven't kissed- _really_ kissed- in forever and I miss it." Zane leaned down and smiled as his lips met hers. She wound her arms around his head, sighing into his lips as he deepened the kiss, his tongue seekining out her own. She stroked his soft red hair, trailing her hands down the sides of his face before pulling him closer by his shoulders. 

  
"Krit," Syl said. "This was a mistake." She stood, headed for the back door of the house. "This won't work. It never did." 

"Fine!" he yelled at her retreating form, angry. "Just run away! Run away like you did before!" She stopped. 

"I didn't run away," she said icily, turning to him with smoldering dark eyes. "I don't run." 

"Whatever you have to tell yourself," he said cruelly; she took a step back as though he'd struck her. 

"Do you think this is easy?" she asked. 

"I don't know because you won't tell me!" He reached for her but she flattened herself against the house and glared at him. 

"Don't," she bit out, her words intentionally spaced. "Touch. Me." He dropped his hand. 

"Did you kill someone?" he asked; she met his eyes sharply. 

"Don't guess." 

"Did Lydecker find you?" 

"No." 

"Did you sleep with Zack?" 

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response," she hissed at him, turning back toward the house. He grabbed her shoulders, pinning her against the wall. 

"I'm not finished talking." 

"You're hurting me," she said icily, slight fear flashing beneath the anger in her eyes. He let go. 

"Were you having trouble at home?" he asked softly, drawing on his own life for ideas. "Was it your foster family?" He saw panic cross her features before her eyes went cold again. 

"Stop guessing," she whispered. 

"What was it?" he asked. "What did they do to you?" 

"Stop it," she said again, quiet, afraid. 

"Syl," he said. "What did they do? Did they beat you?" 

"Don't." 

"Did they-" Before he could finish she suddenly turned and ran from him, heading at enhanced speed into the house. He followed her inside more slowly and saw her using the phone in the living room. Jondy and Zane wisely let him pass without comment, though they both looked worried. Syl was crying. 

"Yes, now," she was saying, her voice choked with tears. "Please. How long?" She nodded shakily. "Yes," she said, obviously trying to keep her voice strong. Then it broke again as she dissolved into more tears. "Yes, just... please... Okay. Bye." She hung up the phone. 

"Syl-" he said. She turned and surprised him by falling into his arms, clutching at him, crying. 

"I do love you," she kept saying. She kissed him softly, once, her lips light but needy against his. "I do love you." Zack came barely ten minutes later, collected her without a word. She hugged Zane and Jondy, pressed another soft kiss to Krit's lips, and then she was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

For title, disclaimer, etc., see Chapter 1 

Please check out my X5 website- http://devoted.to/x5 

Author's Note: If you haven't read my story "Children of a Broken World - A Long Way to Eden" yet you're insane to continue. http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=496938 

  
LACRIMA AMARE - Chapter 11 

Zack went into the bedroom and looked at Syl, peacefully asleep in one of the twin beds. Brin left them alone, smiling sadly as she shut the door. Zack tucked the blankets around Syl's form and moved to leave. 

"Zack," her voice came; he turned back. 

"Sorry," he said. She smiled. 

"Sit down." Zack sat on the edge of the bed, smiled down at her. Then he saw the red in her eyes from crying all the way from Pittsburgh and he stifled a sigh. 

"Did he hurt you?" 

"No," she said immediately, shook her head. "No, he just pushed too hard and I couldn't take it. He wanted to know and he wouldn't take no for an answer." She let her breath out in a long sigh. "Is it ever going to go away?" she asked softly. Zack said nothing; what could he say? 'Yes' would be a lie, 'no' would be painful. "I understood," she breathed. "Why he wanted to know. But I couldn't... you know I couldn't." 

"I know," Zack said softly, touching her hair. "You don't have to say anything else." 

"Why did he have to do it?" she whispered, obviously wanting to talk about it. 

"I guess he really wanted to know," Zack said, his voice gentle. "He shouldn't have pushed so hard, but I can see that. He wanted to understand, Syl." She closed her eyes, hard, clenched her fists. 

"That's not what I meant," she whispered. 

"Oh," he said, confused. "Then what-" He realized. He inhaled sharply, put a hand on her head as though she was still a small girl, still the happy child he'd lost a long time ago. "Oh, Syl, I don't know. I really don't. I'm so sorry I don't have the answers." 

"It was my fault," she said, barely more than a whisper. Zack's hands were suddenly harsh against her shoulders, he shook her into a sitting position and stared into her dark eyes, edging on anger. 

"It is _not_ your fault, we've talked about this," he said firmly. "You were a _child,_ Syl. And even if you hadn't been, if it happened now it _still_ wouldn't be your fault. Things like that never are." A few tears slipped down her cheeks and he relaxed his grip around her, let her slump forward into his arms. "It's nobody's fault," he lied, knowing very well that it was his, that he could have shown up sooner, could have saved her sooner, maybe even prevented it altogether. He still didn't know how many times it had happened, or for how long it had gone on. He didn't want to know. 

"It's just never going to go away," she repeated her earlier words in a whisper. He raised a hand and touched her soft hair. 

"You know I have pictures if you want them," he said gently. She pulled away from him, not meeting his eyes. 

"No," she said firmly. "No, I don't." 

"Okay," he said immediately. "That's fine. I was just asking." She forced a slight smile. 

"You ask every year." 

"I'm just checking," he said; she raised a hand to his face, touched his cheek, all the tension and pain and stress of his life written in his expression, his stony gaze. What a miracle that she could find such immense love in those blue eyes, too. 

"Thank you," she said, then hesitated. "I just want to know... does she look like me... or him?" 

"You," he said, and she could tell he wasn't lying. "Maybe a little like him, in the nose, but otherwise you. All you." Syl smiled genuinely at him. 

"Good," she said. "And the family? They're okay?" 

"Of course," he told her. "Don't worry about that. I've checked them out a thousand different ways. I watch that house very closely. Nothing's going to happen to her." 

"Good," she said again. "But I don't want any pictures. I don't want to know where she is." 

"No," he agreed. Syl smiled, hugged him again. 

"Thanks for coming to get me," she said. 

"You're sure about this?" His experience with Zane and Jondy was making him question his staying apart rule more than he ever had before. "Krit loves you." 

"And I love him," she answered, glancing away. "That's not the point." She looked at him. "I'd like to go somewhere cold. California was too hot. Somewhere with a lot of snow in the wintertime, maybe a little sun for variety every once in a while." He nodded. 

"I can do that," he said slowly. "Sure." She smiled, turned away from him as she curled back into the bed. 

"Thanks," she said sleepily. "Goodnight." 

"Goodnight, Syl," Zack answered softly; he touched her hair again, and then left the room, smiling tensely at Brin as he passed her to go to his own. She didn't ask, and he was glad; he would always keep Syl's secrets, for as long as she needed him to. 

  
Two days later Krit dialled the number again, the number he'd dialled at least twelve times now, but this was the first time he hadn't slammed the phone down angrily before he'd finished all the numbers. He made himself hold onto the phone and waited for the first ring, preparing himself, calming his nerves and his frustration. He wasn't going to push, wasn't going to even mention their argument if she didn't bring it up first. The phone clicked as it connected and he held his breath. 

"The number you have reached is not in service and there is no new number. This is a recording." It repeated, "The number you have reached-" Krit hung up the phone shakily, disbelievingly. He'd never known Zack to work so fast. Jondy came into the room, saw him staring down at the telephone, a shocked expression on his face. She touched his shoulder. 

"Didn't go well?" she asked gently; he turned to her, his eyes misted over with tears. 

"She's gone," he said, his voice soft with disbelief. "It's over. I lost her." Jondy bit her lip. 

"Oh," she said, taking his hand. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Krit." She reached out, hugged him close. He held her tightly, dropping his head onto her shoulder. A thousand thoughts went through her mind- if only he had let it be, hadn't pushed, understood, hadn't tried so hard to get her to tell him, taken it slow, just let her get into it on her own one day, or not if she didn't want to... 

"Shshsh," Jondy whispered into his hair as she felt a few tears drop against her shoulder. He pulled back from her and smiled. 

"You and Zane are going to be fine, aren't you?" he asked. She nodded slowly. 

"Zane found a job. Well, it's not for sure yet, but someone's always looking for a good mechanic." She watched him stare at his hands, nod. 

"That's good." 

"You're going to leave now?" she asked, her voice small; he looked up at her. 

"You two need to be alone now. I've helped all I can." 

"Thank you," she said. "For-" He took her hand, squeezed it, shook his head. 

"You don't have to thank me," he said. "I'm your brother." 

"Thank you anyway," she said. "You went above and beyond the call of duty here." She laughed a little. "I'm just sorry I wasn't better company." He smiled softly. 

"You were great company, Jondy." 

"Where will you go?" 

"Home," he said. "I can't go chasing after her, I'd have no idea where to look. Zack would have made sure of that." His voice was bitter; he ran a hand through his hair. "If only I hadn't pushed her, then maybe-" 

"Don't," Jondy said. "If there's anything I've learned from all of this it's not to obsess over what could have been." She smiled at him. "The past is done, Krit. Remember, learn from it, but don't obsess over it. You'll just depress yourself." He nodded. 

"Maybe," he said, then nodded. "You're probably right." 

"Zane!" Jondy called. "Come here!" They waited for him to come downstairs; he shot them a questioning look. 

"He's leaving now," Jondy said. Zane nodded. 

"That was quick." 

"Syl's not coming back," Jondy explained. 

"I figured." 

"She's not going home, either," Krit added; Zane cringed slightly, shooting a look at Jondy. They knew this kind of pain better than anyone else. 

"I'm sorry, man," he said, touching Krit's shoulder. 

"Keep in touch," Jondy said, hugging him again. He nodded into her shoulder. 

"I will, don't worry." He pulled back, touched her hair. "You'll be okay." 

"Yes," she said. Krit nodded, hugged Zane, then pulled on his shoes and jacket at the door. 

"I'll see you," he said. "Later. I'll be back to see that baby." 

"Yes," Zane agreed, smiled. "Of course. We'll see you." He took Jondy's hand as their brother walked down the sidewalk to his truck, climbing in and tossing them a heavy wave before starting the car. Then, just like Syl, Krit was gone, another troubled child struggling in a world that was better than Manticore. 

  
A/N: Well, what did you think?? Review, review, review, please tell me if you liked it!! I'm _so_ sad that Via Memorius is over forever! I've been clinging to Some Assembly Required since I started VM 1 in November, the last time we heard any significant mentions of siblings... but what am I going to do now?!?!? What am I going to write about when there's no Zack and it doesn't look like he's coming back in the next six episodes and the season will end and there'll be nothing to say and there's still 3 siblings we know nothing about, not to mention Jondy and Zane whose names are pretty much all we know about them... Oh no, what am I going to _do?!?!_ *crying* Okay, I'll shut up now... thanks for reading! (Chapter 12 is a question- it would really help me if you'd answer it!!)


	12. Chapter 12

Every time I try to solve Krit and Syl's relationship it just won't work, but I really would like to save it because they really _do_ love each other and that should be enough. 

If anyone who reads this story has an idea about how they can work through all of this please, please, please email me at ashantai@hotmail.com or review this chapter or something because I really do want to fix it but every time I try one of of them says or does something to send it all to hell again... Krit won't stop yelling and Syl won't stop running, and she certainly won't talk about what she needs to talk about. Zack's no help, either. *sigh* Anyway, if anyone has an idea, please let me know and thanks again for reading!!!


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